Monday, February 28, 2005

The sunshine of my life!!! Posted by Hello

Yet another day of pain....

Well another day of pain. It sucks big time too. I don't know what else to do. I called my dr. to see if there was anything else that they can do to help me. I got the stupid nurse voice mail. So I guess the highlights of my days are gonna be pain. I hate it too. I am seriously thinking of leaving maybe go to a nursing home or something somewhere that I can get the help I need it is so very hard to do all the things expected of me...Mom, wife, maid, laundry service, cook, and the person that keeps this family together but how do I do that when i am falling apart??? I just don't know what to do anymore. I down right refuse to be stuck in a wheelchair I can't bear the thought of that.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Guess what? still pain I'm so excited!!!

Ok if u have not guessed yet....still pain so much of it. I do not know how much more I can handle. I can't really walk good I can't take care of my kids, I can't even make love to my husband. Do you understand what this feels like to be completely useless completely worthless completely helpless??? I hate it , I cry as I write this, I don't think it is fair to my children or my husband. There have been many of days that I just wanna pack up and leave let my kids have the mother that they deserve , let my husband have the wife he deserves. It breaks my heart to know that someday it will always be like this, I will always be like this..helpless, worthless. The pain today is just worse , I can't stand it, I just wanna close my eyes and never open them again. What else am I good for??? I have "friends" shoe lie, who hurt me who say they care but are no where to be found when I need them the most...the same is true for my family . It seems like I am always alone when I need someone the most!!!
Dammit!!! I need help I need the pain to go away!!!! and I need thie soon or I don't know what I am gonna do!!!

Friday, February 25, 2005

ok another wonderful day full of..PAIN!!!!

Ok another day of pain. Yippie!!! I do not know what to do the doctor gave me some pills that are supposed to help with the far no change at all!!! She said that by tomorrow I should feel a change I should feel a lot less pain. Well tomorrow is not soon enough to be out of pain. So I guess my only choice is to be in excruiating wow. My hubby is being pretty decent compared to normal. I took some pf the other pills that my doc. told me to take and now I am tired..hopefully I can sleep tonite!!!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Things could not be much worse.....

Ok things could not be worse for me right now...seriously!!!!
My legs decided that they wanna hurt a horrible pain that I have never felt before. From what I can gather it is nerve pain and man does it suck big time. It is burning pain that I just can't even begin to explain. My feet are sooo cold almost like that are "dead" and it is scary. My biggest fear is losing my legs...not being able to take care of my kids not being able to take care of myself. It is tearing me apart thinking what could be in the future....This MS shit sucks. I have a hard time when things are rough not thinking "why me?" What did I do to deserve this curse??? I can't even imagine what I could have done that is so horrible that warrants this disease. I know I have heard it a million and one times " God does not give us more than we can handle" is everyone so sure of this?? Because I dod not know if I am sure of this!!!! and "This too shall pass" and " god will see you through it" so God please help me to get through this give me the strength the will power, see me through this please!!!!

Friday, February 18, 2005

ok more bitching.....

Okay I never said that there would not be any bitching on here did I?
Well if I did forgive me for what I am about to do....

Ok so this is the definition of truth:
the state of being the case : FACT (2) : the body of real things, events, and facts : ACTUALITY

and this is the definition of a lie:
1 : to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive2 : to create a false or misleading impression

Ok these definitions are the same ones that I have held to be true my entire life with the exception of some of my childhood (hey we all lied then so shut up!!!)

So can someone tell me why some unnamed people lie all the time and tell the truth never???? Why do they fell the need to lie all the time??? I mean some of the lies are so ridiculous I can't believe that anyone believes the bullshit!!!! The thing about lies is they are used to protect you for whatever reason but do people stop to think how deeply they are hurting others?? or how they themselves are at the point of no trust from anyone in their lives??? Can someone please tell me why??? and the lies that are being told are so god damn stupid it just bothers me lies like how long you have been someone's friend..or what did u do today?? why lie about things like this??? I mean what is the point?? who ar eu protecting by lying about things like these???

Ok so I am not saying that I don't lie.because I do (so do u)
but I lie to protect someone (usually myself) ok I never said that I wasn't selfish either..but my lies are like to my sister so she can't take my daughter because she is not the best caregiver things like that...or if a friend asks how do these jeans look ya know???

but the people I am talking about they are doing damage to others severly and I hate sitting back and watching the pain that they are causing...especially when I can help to prevent more pain form happening...but for now I have to keep my mouth shut!!!! this is not fair not at all!!!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

what is trust anymore???

Okay so can anyone tell me?? How come everytime I trust someone it is always and I mean ALWAYS.....BROKEN and BETRAYED???Maybe I am just too nieve or blind or probably stupid and definitely too trusting. I am going to be very weary of who I tell what too anymore I actually came up with a better solution than that that can work always with no fail how about I don't talk to anyone seems like the thing that I wanna do for sure.....
so here is the definition of trust:
assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
yeah right never like that for me..but oh well I am definitely a happier person without anyone extra in my life..all I want and need is my hubby and beautiful kids...oh yeah my Mommy...just done with everyone

Monday, February 07, 2005

Something funny and a lil more....

Okay this morning was hilarious with my son Andrew..he cracks me up he acts like the world's dumbest person on occasion I swear. This morning he was watching the weather while he was waiting for the bus and came to my room to tell me that he wanted to live in Orlando because it is 73degrees there today. I said yeah ok and told him to get out the door it was time for the bus I told him to be careful in the driveway because it is pure ice and it is slippery out there...u know what he said to me???No it's not Mom it is 73 degrees. to me that was the funniest thing that I have heard in so long I couldn't stop laughing about it just thinking about it now is making me giggle.

And I had something to do this weekend whihc is the first time in a long time I might add. My friend Nicci came over with her new husband. I have not seen her in over a year she lived like an hour or better away. Now she lives 10 minutes away. It is nice to know she is closer now. We used to be inseperable. Maybe we will get that way again. They were here for hours ate dinner with us..then our husbands decided they needed to get drunk that was funny. Last night we went to my hubby's friends and played cards that was fun too I got to see their brand new baby. He is so adorable too. and so tiny he is only a week old. So I am whooped from all the excitement I had this weekend!!!!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

A whole lotta nothing

My sister is so funny sometimes u know the old saying a fool and their money are soon departed?? That is her for sure. and with that saying stuck in my head since yesterday I found somemore funny saying today on my MS group. but first the deal with my sis. She paid my husband 100 bucks to take her to the DMV..I yelled at him for taking the money....but we all spent the day together in Buffalo and besides my sis has the x-tra money b/c she just got her taxes back. but anyway here are a couple more funny sayings....

"A lot of money is tainted--it taint yours and it taint mine"

" For every ounce of truth there is a pound of lies"

" they say you should do twice as much listening as you do talking that is why you have 2 ears and 1 mouth"

K guess that is the end of my stupidity today!!!!
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