Saturday, April 30, 2005

Just playin around

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Friday, April 29, 2005

This was a happy day with my husband....I need to have more happy moments. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

All hopes are lost....long gone....

My mom had me crying today which lately has not been hard to do. I called her because I needed someone to talk to about all the bad news I just found out yesterday. Told her I can't handle being strong anymore...she told me you are a very strong person you have a lot of fight left. Well she is soooo wrong there. I give up fighting I have no fight left I have no strength left. I am not a strong person. Why does everyone say that to me all the time??? If only at least maybe one person paid attention to the real me...but everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives they would know how weak I am...I have been crying everyday for weeks... and I am not angry that everyone else is wrapped up in their own lives duh that is what they should be doing....afterall no one is responsible for me but me.

It is getting harder everyday. Tonight was really hard I could not move. Could not do anything for my kids..the pain was unbearable and I can not walk more than 2 steps with out almost falling over which by the way final count so far for falling down is 11. And the news that I got yesterday makes it even harder. Basically what I was told is they do not know what to do for me...there is nothing left to treat me with. So they wanna do 3 days of I.V. steroids 2000 mg each day which is double what I usually get. Followed by another dose of chemo and pray that it at least can stabilize me even a little bit. Now here is even more bad news. I have a very hard decision to make. I either get to do the MS walk or not go and stay home and get the 2nd day of steroids. That is a very hard decision. I have been looking foward to the MS walk for months is a day where I feel like I am making a difference for all MS'ers and myself. It is the one day of the year where I don't feel guilty for being conceited and enjoying that everyone in my team is there just for me...that feels so incredible. And lord knows that I need a pick me up something fierce.

I think that maybe no I know that for sure I need to find someone else to take care of my kids. I can not do it anymore. MY daughter just got out of bed and I almost exploded. I am so afraid I am going to hurt them. And god knows that I have been treating them really shitty lately. that is not fair to them at all...NOT AT ALL!!!!!!

Suicide is sounding more tempting every second.....

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A poem I wrote....

Why do you make promises to me
you don't intend to follow through
that hurts me,can't you see ?
I was really counting on you

to be there
for the good and the bad
do you even care
that it makes me sad

I'm not supposed to be left in the cold
in such a hard time
you love me is what i was told
you give me mixed signs

Either you are there
or you walk away
I need to know that you truly care
Or good-bye is what I say!!

This is a poem I worte last night. Have not given it to him yet. I told him today that the way he has been treating me is just not fair!!! So we will see how things go I can't forsee them getting much worse. but with my luck you never know!!!

Monday, April 25, 2005

What is wrong with me???

I only wish I knew the answer to that question. I have been crying all day hell all the last 2 weeks. I am pretty sure it is depression. Hell tell me that anyone in my shoes would not be depressed. My MS is only getting worse everyday even after a triple dose of chemo. No one understands how scary that is...knowing that if this chemo doesn't work there is no hope for me to live a normal life. For god's sake I am only 25 and am already practically wheelchair ridden. How is that fair??? I have already been on everyother MS med. nothing is helping...that terrifies me horribly. Suicide has crossed my mind more times then I can count. That scares me to...horribly. A friend of mine just lost her best friend to suicide....and I am seeing the pain she is going through that is probably the ONLY thing stopping me from doing it. I have my kids to live for they need their mother. You would think I would list my husband as one that would need me...yeah fuck that. He is so bad to me lately, treating me like shit, making me feel like a nobody, making me feel like I don't deserve to be loved. I think the best thing I can do for our relationship is make him leave. Maybe I deserve to be treated like shit I am not the same person he married. The person he married could walk, could make love to him, wasn't a mental wreck. I don't know what to do. I HATE MY LIFE!!!! IT SUCKS SO BAD!!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

My gosh the pain I am in is horrible.....

It is so bad. It is my own fault partly. I guess I just don't know when to leave well enuff alone. When I know I can do a little bit....I do A LOT!!!! Now I am paying the price. BIG TIME!!!
I am so scared of what is to come I know it is not going to get any better. I won't be able to go out to dinner with my husband, or go play at the park with my kids. I guess it could be worse but it is really hard to imagine it being any worse. My depression is getting worse and I am on no meds for it...that scares me I already had a lot of suicidal thoughts before I was this bad...and let me tell u they are coming to me more and more. I thought today about it a lot. My children deserve better...they deserve a mom that can take care of them better...a mom whose interaction is more then just yelling....Life is so not fair for my kids. Andrew does more than any 10 yr. old should have to do he helps me more than the fuck is that fair to him??? Guess what??? It is not FAIR!!!!I am trying harder and harder to not rely on him as much....but I am not the only one everyone that comes to my house does the same thing...Andrew do this Andrew do that....It is just wrong....I am gonna do much better by him I have to I am his mother I am supposed to protect him from people like me!!!It is gonna be hard as I have no one else at night to help me b/c Quorry now works nights.

I am promising to him that I will be the mother that a child deserves the mother that HE deserves!!!!!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Finally left my house for something I wanted to do.....

I went to my in-laws for ribs last night. Man were they good my father-in-law makes the best ribs ever. It was also nice to leave the house for something I wanted to do. My gosh haven't left my house for that reason in months. Had a good time Brian and Holly were there too. Bradley had so much fun playing with Gabe.

It kinda sucked towards the end of the night...but sorta kinda my fault. If u count the fact that I can't hardly walk my fault. They had a fire and everyone was out there but me. Anna and Holly offered to help me walk back there...I thanked them but said no...I appreciate the help that is offered to me...but no one understands how helpless it makes me feel on top of the fact that I already feel helpless before they offer. I really wanted to go back there and probly would have if my husband had offered to help it is different with him.But it is ok I made it through the night ok. I am still alive.

One nice thing is I have a lil break from the boys they are still there. God knows I need one. It is so hard doing all I have to do to be a mom and a good one at that. I feel for my kids, they deserve better. They are on spring break so this is good for them they need a vacation from mommy too some time to be kids.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

nice relaxing day.....

today was def. relaxing. but man was a hot day. IT was only 65 but so much warmer than it has been. I am not bitchin there was not the killer humidity to early in the year for that yet. Not lookin foward to it though.

Aurora came over and spent a few hours here. That was nice I think I can let my guard down alot more with her now. Afterall she wrote me an e-mail that made me bawl really bad. Explaining how my MS was hard on her being my friend and her feeling helpless to not be able to help me. It mad a big difference in our relationship. a HUGE difference. She is walking in the MS walk with me which is great. Means a whole lot to me more than she will ever know.

Well it is way past my bedtime it is 10 and I am about to shoot up with my 10 inch long needle. No way I am a needle weenie after 3 yrs. gotta have Quorry give me my shot. I like it better when he does it anyway.

Friday, April 15, 2005

oh sooooo tired all the time....

oh man am I always tired!! Well with the exception of yesterday. I was cranked out!!! seriously.

See 3 weeks ago my neuro. gave me a new script for fatigues meds. as I have already tried a few and they did not work. Well she gave me one for Adderall xr....which basically is straight ampetamine. So after being terrified for 3 weeks to try this I decided to try yesterday. Took it at 8:30 in the morning. Did not feel anything till atound3 or so and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had the highest high feeling that I have ever had. Now mind you I am not a drug user and really have never been. It was awful. I had to have my brothere come over and babysit me..LOL..seriously I was not normal..I was was bad. Now mine u on a normal night I am lucky if I can make it till 9 p.m.....well last night I did not go to sleep till 3a.m. because I was so cranked out. it definitely was a weird needless to say I am never taking that again....

I am off to bed because now I am incredibly tired only got 3 maybe 4 hrs. of sleep last night and just got Kaylee to sleep and heading there myself

Monday, April 11, 2005

Tonight is gonna be different...

I have to go to bed all by myself. Not used to that. I'm definitely relieved that my husband got a job, but not looking foward to the night shift change. I will get used to it, but these next couple of weeks are def. gonna be different.

I sure hope that the boys will get used to it. They are in school so won't see their dad except the weekends. I'm sure they will adjust better than I. But as sad as this sounds and as least I get my husband all to myself during the day when my daughter is napping.

Ok well I am tired. I will write more later after I get boys ready for school and take a nap.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

On a more positive note...(finally)

Ok you might think you went to the wrong board today because I am not gonna bitch today (well maybe). I am so happy my husband got a job!!! So much stress is relieved!!! That doesn't mean that I won't worry that is just a flaw of mine worrying. It is not gonna bring home as much money as we are accustomed to but some money is definitely better than none. He starts Monday and it is gonna be so different getting used to him workin nights again been so used to him working days for so long.

Can't vent as much today for 2 reasons don't need to vent today and my son't b-day party is today so i gotta clean!! Fun wow!!!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Who knew???

Who knew?

Who knew we could all
whether we could walk or not
stand proud and tall
when life has dished us a lot

Who knew there was this place
whether we could read or not
to look our troubles in the face
when life has dished us a lot

Who knew there were others with our pain
whether we could see it or not
that felt so much the same
when life has dished us a lot

Who knew we could bond so tight
whether we have met or not
to have help with our fight
when life has dished us a lot

Who knew we could stop feeling alone
whether we knew it or not
where we could leave our comfort zone
when life has dished us a lot

Who knew we could stop being afraid
whether we wanted to or not
where our best friends have been made
when life has dished us a lot

I knew all along I could make a better life for me
whether anyone believed in me or not
I believed in myself, I did it for me
when life has dished me a lot

I wrote this poem shortly after I came out of the denial stage of my MS diagnoses. I wrote this after I found so many great online support groups. Just wanted a change wanted to put some positive on thit blog!!!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Things are so hard I don't know...

what to do!!! Money doesn't grow on trees. but Why not?? What if you took good care of your tree, watered it, gave it TLC, plant food and all the attention anyone or anything needed?? Then would you deserve to have a money tree?? I think so!!! Why is it that taxpayers (like my husband) pay all these taxes and yet disabled people like me still have to suffer with now help at all?? I don't understand the way things work anymore. Ok maybe that last qusetion was a tad bit selfish. But isn't everyone selfish once in a while?? Doesn;t everyone deserve it?? I think so. I am rarely a selfish person and when I am 9times out of 10 it is to my husband. I know alot of my writings on hers probably seem selfish and self-centered, but in all honesty I am completely opposite of the person I come across to be on here. This is my safe haven to bitch, moan, whine, complain, and do whatever I need to do at that moment to get through it. I feel so safe here. There is only one person that I know that reads this board. So it is safe for me to let my emotions out. I have no one that can take or will take the time out of their busy life to let me vent, whine, and cry like I can do here. And it is no one's responsibility to do this..that is the conclusion that I have come to. When I try to talk to my husband he brushes me off the same way he does my kids. I need him to listen to me...when I am so obviously calling out for his love and attention. I want the more than everything. I know he has a hard time dealing with my MS..this I understand...but instead of being mean to me and making me feel like shit why can't we cry together or laugh together?? Why can't we do anything TOGETHER??????

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I thought it was impossible for things to get worse boy....

Was I wrong!!!! First off this strep throat has turned into the worst cold I ever remember having. Tomorrow is my son Bradley's Birthday and guess what I have no money to get him anything. Do you even begin to understand what a piece of shit mother I feel like?? Not to mention the fact that I feel completely worthless because I can not even go look for a job because there is not possible way I can work. Whoo hoo I get my big whopping $200 a month from social security. Yeah that helps a whole bunch...yeah right.

and my son Gerrott whom I have not seen since January 2nd was due to be here on saturday. Well I had to call and tell his step mom (who by the way is a god send and the perfect woman) that I am too sick to take him because he is a handfull which is part of the reason he live with his dad. It breaks my heart. Especially because I am not going to see him till June 8th. That is 2 more months and I do not know if I can handle that.

I'm so scared for my kids. I'm saddened that I ahve no idea where my life is going now. Yeah I know it is only money....but u know what you kinda need money to feed, cloth,heat, provide for your kids. and guess what I can't fucking do that for my kids!!!!I thought that was my husband's job. I'm seriously thinking about leaving him. He is actually mad at me b/c I would not let him take 20 out of the bank to get a bag of marijuana. How fucking insensitive was that to even ask when we don't even know where our children't next meal is coming from???? I love him with all my heart but he has kids to think of too, they are not only mine w/the exception of my 2 oldest but one lives with his father and the other one's father pays child support. How unfair is this to my children??? I don't know what to do!!!! I seriously would consider suicide in a heart beat if it wasn't for my children.

ok well I am crying so bad now everything I am writing is blurring on me. Good bye.

Monday, April 04, 2005

everyone is sick....

what a great day this is starting out to be. Everyone in my house is sick except for my husband. Andrew my 10 year old woke up with one hell of a fever, oh yeah so did Bradley my 4 year old and oh yeah Kaylee my 2 year old did too. Thank god I did not!!! but I am still pretty sick and it sucks!!!!

and to top this whole lovely last couple of weeks that I've husband was fired today!!! This is bullshit!! It def. is a I-told-you-so moment from me to him. He left a very good job that he had for 2 years to get this one. I told him not to go to this place because his so called friend Bob worked there and Bob worked at hi last job and caused all kinds of problems. Bob is an asshole he acts like he is the man!!! So now i have no idea what we are supposed to do for money. This really is so hard. I can't work I get Social Security but it is not enuff to say so. It doesn't pay our mortgage. and my wonderful husband hd to go get a new Durango with a 300 dollar a month car payment, and a cell phone that he runs the bill up on...and we have to pay for those 2 things b/c his mom co-signed for the truck and the cellphone is in her name. and not to mention we have kids to feed, and clothe, and electricity, and gas and phone and so much more. I don't know what we are going to do. I wish he would have just listened to me and not left his old job he said this new job was gonna be way in hell it was better..when he worked there for 2 weeks and they fired him and his asshole friend Bob helped a lot he is such a jerk. Ok well I can't talk about this anymore, it makes me cry and I don't wanna cry anymore than I already am!!!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

ok this is crazy.....


and guess what??? I live in Cattaraugus county. this is ridiculous!!!!

guess what??? Now I am coughing my lungs up....

ok as if there wasn't enough shit wrong with me now I am coughing my lungs up. Maybe I shouldn't have quit smoking. which by the way today has been exactly 5 m0nths since I quit and I feel great (at least about the not smoking part), I can smell now taste now it's much better. Anyway back to the coughing part, I was coughing all night and that did not make my throat feel any better, and I have been sneezing like crazy which also makes my throat hurt more...and did I mention the runny nose??aauugghhhh....this SUCKS!!!!

ok I think that I am done bitching for now..maybe don't count on it. LOL and my second picture that I put up the one of my son Bradley..that was taken wednesday when it was 60 degrees outside, thursday was the day it was almost 70.

Now pay close attention wednesday the ground was green with grass and today it is whit with tons of snow and it is like 26 degrees. YEAH!!!!not really.

This is my poor little boy that is sick Posted by Hello

2 days ago almost 70 degrees and I was wearing shorts and a tank top and today THIS CRAP....just about 6 inches out there...gotta love NY Posted by Hello

Saturday, April 02, 2005

You are blessed....

You Are So Blessed!

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.

If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost 3 billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank. in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billon people in the world that cannot read anything at all. You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
Author Unknown

guess what....strep throat!!!!

Well I have great news...NOT!!! I just got my 5th dose of chemo last week. Well I am supposed to be careful who comes around and not go into public places because my immune system is so low afterwards that I can not fight off infection, viruses, and so on. So i follow my dr's orders and don't do any of those things.....and low and behold guess what happens???? I GET FUC*ING STREP THROAT!!!!! and see with the chemo. day 10 (the day of the chemo is day 1) is the day that the WBC (white blood cells) are the lowest, and the day I have to go get blood work done to make sure that they went low enuff or not too low. The worst thing about this is I got sick from my son Bradley. Which is so weird in so many ways #1 I have never before got sick in a non puky way from the chemo before #2 my kids have been sick before when I was on chemo and I still did not get sick #3 My dr. told me that my immunities are used to my childen's and husband's that I should not have to worry. And to top this all off he is sick and there is nothing I can do for him.

So this is going to my wonderful weekend taking care of my poor baby and trying to take care of myself.
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