Wednesday, April 27, 2005

All hopes are lost....long gone....

My mom had me crying today which lately has not been hard to do. I called her because I needed someone to talk to about all the bad news I just found out yesterday. Told her I can't handle being strong anymore...she told me you are a very strong person you have a lot of fight left. Well she is soooo wrong there. I give up fighting I have no fight left I have no strength left. I am not a strong person. Why does everyone say that to me all the time??? If only at least maybe one person paid attention to the real me...but everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives they would know how weak I am...I have been crying everyday for weeks... and I am not angry that everyone else is wrapped up in their own lives duh that is what they should be doing....afterall no one is responsible for me but me.

It is getting harder everyday. Tonight was really hard I could not move. Could not do anything for my kids..the pain was unbearable and I can not walk more than 2 steps with out almost falling over which by the way final count so far for falling down is 11. And the news that I got yesterday makes it even harder. Basically what I was told is they do not know what to do for me...there is nothing left to treat me with. So they wanna do 3 days of I.V. steroids 2000 mg each day which is double what I usually get. Followed by another dose of chemo and pray that it at least can stabilize me even a little bit. Now here is even more bad news. I have a very hard decision to make. I either get to do the MS walk or not go and stay home and get the 2nd day of steroids. That is a very hard decision. I have been looking foward to the MS walk for months is a day where I feel like I am making a difference for all MS'ers and myself. It is the one day of the year where I don't feel guilty for being conceited and enjoying that everyone in my team is there just for me...that feels so incredible. And lord knows that I need a pick me up something fierce.

I think that maybe no I know that for sure I need to find someone else to take care of my kids. I can not do it anymore. MY daughter just got out of bed and I almost exploded. I am so afraid I am going to hurt them. And god knows that I have been treating them really shitty lately. that is not fair to them at all...NOT AT ALL!!!!!!

Suicide is sounding more tempting every second.....


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