Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I thought it was impossible for things to get worse boy....

Was I wrong!!!! First off this strep throat has turned into the worst cold I ever remember having. Tomorrow is my son Bradley's Birthday and guess what I have no money to get him anything. Do you even begin to understand what a piece of shit mother I feel like?? Not to mention the fact that I feel completely worthless because I can not even go look for a job because there is not possible way I can work. Whoo hoo I get my big whopping $200 a month from social security. Yeah that helps a whole bunch...yeah right.

and my son Gerrott whom I have not seen since January 2nd was due to be here on saturday. Well I had to call and tell his step mom (who by the way is a god send and the perfect woman) that I am too sick to take him because he is a handfull which is part of the reason he live with his dad. It breaks my heart. Especially because I am not going to see him till June 8th. That is 2 more months and I do not know if I can handle that.

I'm so scared for my kids. I'm saddened that I ahve no idea where my life is going now. Yeah I know it is only money....but u know what you kinda need money to feed, cloth,heat, provide for your kids. and guess what I can't fucking do that for my kids!!!!I thought that was my husband's job. I'm seriously thinking about leaving him. He is actually mad at me b/c I would not let him take 20 out of the bank to get a bag of marijuana. How fucking insensitive was that to even ask when we don't even know where our children't next meal is coming from???? I love him with all my heart but he has kids to think of too, they are not only mine w/the exception of my 2 oldest but one lives with his father and the other one's father pays child support. How unfair is this to my children??? I don't know what to do!!!! I seriously would consider suicide in a heart beat if it wasn't for my children.

ok well I am crying so bad now everything I am writing is blurring on me. Good bye.


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