Thursday, April 21, 2005

My gosh the pain I am in is horrible.....

It is so bad. It is my own fault partly. I guess I just don't know when to leave well enuff alone. When I know I can do a little bit....I do A LOT!!!! Now I am paying the price. BIG TIME!!!
I am so scared of what is to come I know it is not going to get any better. I won't be able to go out to dinner with my husband, or go play at the park with my kids. I guess it could be worse but it is really hard to imagine it being any worse. My depression is getting worse and I am on no meds for it...that scares me I already had a lot of suicidal thoughts before I was this bad...and let me tell u they are coming to me more and more. I thought today about it a lot. My children deserve better...they deserve a mom that can take care of them better...a mom whose interaction is more then just yelling....Life is so not fair for my kids. Andrew does more than any 10 yr. old should have to do he helps me more than anyone...how the fuck is that fair to him??? Guess what??? It is not FAIR!!!!I am trying harder and harder to not rely on him as much....but I am not the only one everyone that comes to my house does the same thing...Andrew do this Andrew do that....It is just wrong....I am gonna do much better by him I have to I am his mother I am supposed to protect him from people like me!!!It is gonna be hard as I have no one else at night to help me b/c Quorry now works nights.

I am promising to him that I will be the mother that a child deserves the mother that HE deserves!!!!!

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