Monday, April 25, 2005

What is wrong with me???

I only wish I knew the answer to that question. I have been crying all day hell all the last 2 weeks. I am pretty sure it is depression. Hell tell me that anyone in my shoes would not be depressed. My MS is only getting worse everyday even after a triple dose of chemo. No one understands how scary that is...knowing that if this chemo doesn't work there is no hope for me to live a normal life. For god's sake I am only 25 and am already practically wheelchair ridden. How is that fair??? I have already been on everyother MS med. nothing is helping...that terrifies me horribly. Suicide has crossed my mind more times then I can count. That scares me to...horribly. A friend of mine just lost her best friend to suicide....and I am seeing the pain she is going through that is probably the ONLY thing stopping me from doing it. I have my kids to live for they need their mother. You would think I would list my husband as one that would need me...yeah fuck that. He is so bad to me lately, treating me like shit, making me feel like a nobody, making me feel like I don't deserve to be loved. I think the best thing I can do for our relationship is make him leave. Maybe I deserve to be treated like shit I am not the same person he married. The person he married could walk, could make love to him, wasn't a mental wreck. I don't know what to do. I HATE MY LIFE!!!! IT SUCKS SO BAD!!!!


Blogger Jade said...

Amanda, you do not deserve to be treated like shit, I wish you would let me knock the hell out of him, and I am soooo sorry I was not here for you tonight. Please next time call my cell, I will be there in a heartbeat.. ya know I love you and I am here, I will not pretend to understand how you feel. all I will say is I am here. Please lean on me and do not feel bad for it OK.. thats what mother in laws are for. Please call me ASAP and I don't care what time it is.. OK ... HUGGZ

12:43 AM  

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