Tuesday, May 24, 2005

only 2 more days well ok a lil less....

I am so freaking excited to go!!! but on the other hand I have soooo much anxiety. Worrying about my kids as usual but I have never been so far away from them before. I am just gonna have to be assured that they will be fine. And they will be they will be with Daddy everynight but 2 and those 2 nights they will be with my mom. I am all packed and ready to go. Now all I have to do is get some clothes packed for my kids.

I can not wait for a couple more years maybe even next spring. Aurora bought me Lilac tree and it is gonna be sooo pretty. She also put Gladiolas and lavendar in the pot with the tree. She is such a sweet heart. We had a long talk on the phone today and we both laid a lot out a few things that have been weighing on our minds...things that I guess we were both either too chicken to bring up or were too afraid we would hurt each other's feelings. We promised each other that we would not keep our mouths shut anymore and that we would come to each other first before we ruin a very new and great friendship.

Andrew was up all nite last night puking after his baseball game. I felt soooo bad for him there was just nothing that I could do for him gave him some Pepto and it seemed to help a lil bit. He is feeling some what better now. I sure hope he is fine tomorrow as it is his big overnight field trip at the YMCA camp. Which means tomorrow when I get him up for school will be the last I get to see of him until I come home next Tuesday. that is gonna be a lil hard, but he will be stronger about than I.

Well I am exhausted and needed to be sleeping a couple of hours ago. do peace out Good night

Monday, May 23, 2005

Only 3 more days!!!! Then I am going on the first vacation I have been on in forever!!!!

I am nervous, excited, happy and a million other things. Nervous because I have only been away from my baby girl 3 nights in her entire 2 1/2 yr. life, and nervous because I am a lil worried about Rora, I have faith in her and she is doing so good right now. I saw her today and she is glowing she looks so healthy and alive I guess that is what quitting drugs and going to detox does for you and I am extremely happy for her. Okay the excitement part is kinda understandble...I am going to see pretty much my whole entire family (on my dad's side anyway)and this also explains the happy part!!!

I am gonna miss my honey a lot I am used to going to bed by myself since he is a 2nd shift guy now, but still we have not really spent a night apart in 6 years w/the exception of the 2 weeks we were on splitsville. It is definitely gonna be weird. But there will be so much going on while I am gone I don't think I will have time to miss anyone.

It is definitely gonna be weird with the 2 hour time difference. When everyone there is ready to eat dinner I am gonna be ready for bed. I am pretty sure I can handle it though.

Now to say my prayers for everyone as I am going to be to busy I think to even pray for myself.

Please forgive me for all the sins I have committed since I last asked for your forgiveness and guidance.

Please watch over my babies tonight and everynight like I ask u to do everytime I talk to you. Especially Gerrott he really really needs you right not. Please comfort him and guide him. Help Andrew to deal with the uncomfort from his retainer the physical uncomfort and the emotional. Bradley and Kaylee need your protection and guidance too just not as much ast the older 2 boys.

Please look after my husband and guide him the right way.

Please watch over Aurora more than usual as she is doing so good and I would love for her to continue heading down the right clean path. She needs a lot of support and love and guidance. Please take care of her. I love her so much and she need you right now more than ever.

Please watch over and protect the rest of my family.

Thank you God, Amen

Friday, May 20, 2005

I wish I could help more....

I wish I could help Aurora more. She needs all the support in the world right now, and all I can do is talk to her on the phone. I have faith in her that she can do this. That being in rehab is what is best for her and her babies. I know that she does not believe in my god, but I promised her that I would pray to my god for her and God knows she needs his guidance and protection right now in this very difficult time. I have some positive quotes stolen from a good new MS friends website that I am gonna tell her tomorrow....by the way thanx Lynn!!

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar"

"Live, grow stronger, fight another day"

Darkness can never last too long if you laugh in its face.

Focus on the things you can do, not on the things you can't. If you dwell on the things you can't do, you'll get stuck in a deep hole.

what doesn't kill u makes u stronger

Never give up never surrender

I am gonna try to make her look at this whole situation in a more postive light!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The excitement is killing me....I can't deal....

I have been counting down the days till my trip to Wyoming!!! It is killing me. The stress is unreal..don't get me wrong it is definitely great stress...but still stress.

I can't wait to see my Dad it has been almost exactly 10 years since I have. And my grandma it has been 15 years. She has no idea that I am going to be there. She is actually flying in the day after I do and I am going to the airport w/my step-mom to pick her up. My grandma is absolutely gonna die!!!

My mom gave me some really nice luggage to use and let me borrow a whole bunch of clothes. Which I need so badly because I have lost like 20-25 lbs and my clothes are falling off me and my mom is the size that I am now after unexpectedly losing this weight. So she is really happy for me. She is gonna watch my kids the day I leave for the night then my husband will have them until the day I come homw and my mom is gonna come to my house early in the day. She is gonna clean up and get my house back in order and put the kids to bed. Then my brother is going to come sit with the kids after they are sleeping and my mom is gonna pick me up from the airport. So everything is finalized and I can go away assured that my kids are in good hands. Heck most of the time I will be gone they will be with daddy anyway...do no worries there.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Andrew's 1st baseball game Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Things are great!!!!!

My chemo is working this time!!!! I thought for sure I was gonna be like I have been forever!!! I was prepared for the worst and hoping and praying for the best!!! I am doing a little better each day.

My little rother Jacob is graduating from High School in 2 weeks in like 30 states away. My dad sent me an invitaion...yeah like I can afford to fly from New York to Wyoming!!! Well he called me 2 days ago and asked if I could come if he bought my plane ticket. Asked if I could get my kids situated and if my husband would mind. So I asked my husband if he would mind if I went. And asked my mom is she would watch my kids while I was gone and guess what???? It is a done deal!!!! I fly outta Bufffalo and fly into Salt Lake City, Utah on May 25th and back to Buffalo on May 31 st!!!! I am sooooo excited. I have not seen my dad since my oldest was 1 and he will be 11 in like 4 weeks. I have not seen my grandma since I was 10-----that was 15 yrs. ago.My entire family (from my dad's side) will be there!!!! No one knows that I am coming either which is great!!!
Lord knows this could not be better timing for me. I really need some more good to push me to keep fighting. I can not wait!!!!!

Friday, May 06, 2005

here is my baby I love him soooo much Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 05, 2005

My pretty baby girl

Kaylee trying her new glasses...they are a lil big but sooo damn cute!!! Posted by Hello

My baby thinks she is a SUPERMODEL..ok well she sure is cute enuff to be one!!! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

This is how I feel

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My happiness that was great and well earned and deserved is gone already....

How is this right??? I had such a great time Sunday at the MS walk. It was unbelievably great. The weather could not have been better. Our team raised 3,000. In Buffalo alone we raised $400,000. The pick me up it gave me was almost surreal. I had to keep pinching myself to assure that this great day was happening. It was really nice to have my Dad push me in my chair the whole 5 miles. and it was nice to have my one and only friend and her daughter walk too. Actually I guess in my eyes she is my best friend she is too great to explain with words. My mom and sister were there too.In total there were 11 people in my team myself included. It was just perfect could not have been more perfect. Most of the people on my team did not even know me until that day, yet they selflessly did this. Friends of my sister and my mom it was wonderful!!! My wonderful mother-in-law kept my children for the whole weekend which was great. What she did for me I will appreciate more than she could ever guess...Sunday was the most important day for me out of this whole year. and thanks to all these wonderful people making it happen.

Now the downhill...............

I was dropped off after the walk at my mom-in-laws (Jade)house b/c my hubby was there turkey hunting and my kids were there and my father-in-law(Marvin)made everyone dinner. which was great I did not have to cook.....but he hurt me severly with some of the things he said to me. Like he told me they will never find a cure in my lifetime because if they do too many people will be without jobs. Now I already suspect this but to have a slap in the face reminding me of this on the most joyful day I have had in 9 months ...well that was very hard to swallow. I hope that he never mentions anything about MS to me ever again!!! Sometimes I think he forgets that I have MS. I felt like he was picking on MS people..that is hard to have to listen to. I am not sure if I respect him anymore..and I had the utmost respect for this man. He is a wonderful man and the best grandpa my kids could ever have. This respect issue I am going to have to evaluate in more detail how I feel about it and I can not do that right yet...I am still very very hurt.

and now for even more downhill......

My legs are hurting worse more and everyday. So much so I don't think I can deal with this pain anymore. I fell 3 times today and hurt myself pretty bad on my worst leg which makes it hurt even more to stand on. To top it off I can't take care of my own kids...I can't do for them what they need...it is just too hard when everytime I move my legs it brings tears to my eyes...how the hell am I supposed to do this being a second shift wife and mother...I just can't do this by myself......I don't know what to do....My kids need a mother that can do for them and that is not always yelling....

and more down hill I am almost off the cliff just hanging on by the skin of my teeth.....

and to top off this perfect fucking week I have no money for things that i need. I need lots of stuff. Dishsoap, bodywash for my kids, pullups for my daughter...Things that before I would just go out and buy when I needed them. I can't do that now. My husband is searching for gas money all the time because we have the biggest gas hog ever and he has got 20 miles a day to drive which isn't bad but the gas prices are like $2.30/gallon...ridiculous. So I do not know what to do. I have no idea how we are gonna pay our mortgage. i have $200 of it and that is it because my SSI check was so damn low this month.....I don't know what to do...there is nothing I can do I can't work, can't take care of my kids, and right now can't forgive Marvin he hurt me to bad to do that right now but I am sure it doesn't matter to him if I do so that makes it all the easier to deal with that issue......

GOD...if you are listening please forgive me for the sins I have committed since I last asked for your forgivness and since I last asked for your help. GOD...I need you to guide me through this hard time I need some more strength because I have none left it is too hard. I need you guidance in this rough time. GOD...Please protect all 4 of my babies from my weakness and guide them through the right path. Please help my husband in any way that he needs. Please watch over all of my family and protect them from this cruel harsh world. Please watch over all my friends and help them get through their hard times whatever they may be.
Thank-you GOD and Amen
If you are viewing my page PLEASE take the time to donate to People with MS at www.nmss.org Thanx!!!
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