Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My happiness that was great and well earned and deserved is gone already....

How is this right??? I had such a great time Sunday at the MS walk. It was unbelievably great. The weather could not have been better. Our team raised 3,000. In Buffalo alone we raised $400,000. The pick me up it gave me was almost surreal. I had to keep pinching myself to assure that this great day was happening. It was really nice to have my Dad push me in my chair the whole 5 miles. and it was nice to have my one and only friend and her daughter walk too. Actually I guess in my eyes she is my best friend she is too great to explain with words. My mom and sister were there too.In total there were 11 people in my team myself included. It was just perfect could not have been more perfect. Most of the people on my team did not even know me until that day, yet they selflessly did this. Friends of my sister and my mom it was wonderful!!! My wonderful mother-in-law kept my children for the whole weekend which was great. What she did for me I will appreciate more than she could ever guess...Sunday was the most important day for me out of this whole year. and thanks to all these wonderful people making it happen.

Now the downhill...............

I was dropped off after the walk at my mom-in-laws (Jade)house b/c my hubby was there turkey hunting and my kids were there and my father-in-law(Marvin)made everyone dinner. which was great I did not have to cook.....but he hurt me severly with some of the things he said to me. Like he told me they will never find a cure in my lifetime because if they do too many people will be without jobs. Now I already suspect this but to have a slap in the face reminding me of this on the most joyful day I have had in 9 months ...well that was very hard to swallow. I hope that he never mentions anything about MS to me ever again!!! Sometimes I think he forgets that I have MS. I felt like he was picking on MS people..that is hard to have to listen to. I am not sure if I respect him anymore..and I had the utmost respect for this man. He is a wonderful man and the best grandpa my kids could ever have. This respect issue I am going to have to evaluate in more detail how I feel about it and I can not do that right yet...I am still very very hurt.

and now for even more downhill......

My legs are hurting worse more and everyday. So much so I don't think I can deal with this pain anymore. I fell 3 times today and hurt myself pretty bad on my worst leg which makes it hurt even more to stand on. To top it off I can't take care of my own kids...I can't do for them what they need...it is just too hard when everytime I move my legs it brings tears to my eyes...how the hell am I supposed to do this being a second shift wife and mother...I just can't do this by myself......I don't know what to do....My kids need a mother that can do for them and that is not always yelling....

and more down hill I am almost off the cliff just hanging on by the skin of my teeth.....

and to top off this perfect fucking week I have no money for things that i need. I need lots of stuff. Dishsoap, bodywash for my kids, pullups for my daughter...Things that before I would just go out and buy when I needed them. I can't do that now. My husband is searching for gas money all the time because we have the biggest gas hog ever and he has got 20 miles a day to drive which isn't bad but the gas prices are like $2.30/gallon...ridiculous. So I do not know what to do. I have no idea how we are gonna pay our mortgage. i have $200 of it and that is it because my SSI check was so damn low this month.....I don't know what to do...there is nothing I can do I can't work, can't take care of my kids, and right now can't forgive Marvin he hurt me to bad to do that right now but I am sure it doesn't matter to him if I do so that makes it all the easier to deal with that issue......


GOD...if you are listening please forgive me for the sins I have committed since I last asked for your forgivness and since I last asked for your help. GOD...I need you to guide me through this hard time I need some more strength because I have none left it is too hard. I need you guidance in this rough time. GOD...Please protect all 4 of my babies from my weakness and guide them through the right path. Please help my husband in any way that he needs. Please watch over all of my family and protect them from this cruel harsh world. Please watch over all my friends and help them get through their hard times whatever they may be.
Thank-you GOD and Amen

5 Comments:

Blogger Jade said...

Amanda, Honey I am so sorry for the words Marvin said to you. he had no right as you know I let him have it and did not hold no punches with him either. I wish there was something I could do besides just taking the kids for a weekend.. if you ever need me, you know how to find me.. I love you..

11:19 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Amanda, Honey I am so sorry for the words Marvin said to you. he had no right as you know I let him have it and did not hold no punches with him either. I wish there was something I could do besides just taking the kids for a weekend.. if you ever need me, you know how to find me.. I love you..

11:19 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Amanda, Honey I am so sorry for the words Marvin said to you. he had no right as you know I let him have it and did not hold no punches with him either. I wish there was something I could do besides just taking the kids for a weekend.. if you ever need me, you know how to find me.. I love you..

11:19 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:19 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Oh Sweetie, I don't know you, but your mom in law Jade is one of the most giving blogging buddies I have here on the net. Pure heart of gold.

That said, I don't have MS, but grew up with those who did, have friends with it, etc. I don't know what it's like to have that, but I do know what it's like to have a health issues that deeply and seriously affect your life.

Please don't let ONE person's words rock your resolve. Marvin, and not anyone, has the right to say there will be no cure in your liftime! I worked in the medical fields. In fact, rare diseases of a different type are in my family and a family member worked in huge strides to find a cure.

No that didn't happen yet, but great strides were made, despite the disease being listed as having no cure. You have to retain hope.

One of the paintings on my site is titled with the word hope in it. (I'm an artist.) I just donated it to our local hospital for their Arts in HEaling program.

Look at my post in April called "Vincent." There is a sunset that is spiritual to many people who view it and very moving to those of us who are not traditional spiritual.

If you like it, let me know...
I am reading this later than it happened. It stinks to feel like your day was ruined. I'm sorry you went through this.

I'm so elated to read about your upcoming trip! :)
Take care- I tried to access your site long before now when Jade put out the word, but I must have had a wrong link.
W/caring from across the net

1:45 AM  

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