Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I don't think that I like this bumpy bumpy road I'm starting to travel..........

Strange title I know. The bumpy bumpy road I am speaking of happens to be the road of the Great Depression!!! I am definitely without a doubt DEPRESSED!!! I spoke with my mom about this the other night. She insists that I go back on an antidepressant. Screw all that bull. Everytime I go on one I go crazy and get a little homicidal. I have to be honest that I was very strange and very irate and had homicidal vs. suicidal thoughts on the Wellbutrin XL. I guess the only good that came from that medicine for me is I quit smoking while on it. So now what to do?? I know I have to do something. This crying at any given moment and thinking that everyone would be better off without me is not gonna work! I can't handle this shit another day I think. My husband has been pretty supportive considering I have been so nasty to him. I have my moments where I think why in the hell is he not helping me? I'm not sure if it is my emotional state of mind that is making me think that he is not helping me at all. I don't mean helping with the MS just helping me in general like a man should help his wife the mother of his children. I hate feeling these feelings of almost hate towards him. I HATE IT!!! I know that I LOVE him more than life itself so why do I HATE him at times?? Who knows I know that I have to do something!!! Maybe stop this stupid interferon shit maybe that will help me? I hate doing the shots they still hurt so much and I know that they are the culprit of my distressed emotional state. So what to do? There is no proof that this Rebif is even helping me or is there? I don't know I am sooooooo lost if you can't tell. Which makes traveling down this road even harder. If I knew where I was going maybe I could make it down this road a little faster and easier and intact. At least today I am outta bed. That is a plus compared to yesterday. I know that I have to get outta bed tomorrow as my mom and I are going out shopping. I wish that shopping would make me feel better, but I know that it won't.

I know that I need to shop for a new car to help make this road even easier to travel...maybe one with GPS?? So I don't get completely lost in the psych ward which is where I have almost traveled one to many times.......

How can I be too depressed with a happy beautiful little girl like this?? I don't know but I am!!!


Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Whatever you do, do not 'stop this stupid interferon shit'. I know it's hard to see that it is helping, but there is hard science to show that it is most likely working. Life is hard ... really hard. It is not supposed to be THIS hard, but you just have to keep going. If it helps, try this; Every morning when you get up, repeat this sentance 5 times with 5 different reasons;

I am happy that I am not <,insert somthing here>..

Postitive thinking is hard when you are depressed, but just give it a try. Please.

9:07 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Thanx..I will do my best to try that. It does help me to feel a little better when people like you leave comments like that. thank You!!!!

9:20 AM  
Blogger personallog! said...

Ahh geese man! I have just benn through this sh*t myself and I know it looks bleek but you have so much going for you right now its unbelievable! I wish I could change shoes with you! to have a family an friend who love you as much as they do would make me the happiest msn alive!mdmhvonpa is right! trust the general on this! My life would not be compleate without you and I sure I am not the only one here who feels the same!

Keep your chin up and dont let the bastards grind you down!

5:37 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

Thank you Dave. I really needed to hear things like you and mdmhvonpa said. Still trying to look at things a lil more positive. Still having a hard time doin that.

I know for sure (almost) that my dear Rebif is the culprit of my depression. So I'm gonna do my best to work through this!!

9:51 AM  

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