Thursday, December 01, 2005

Rebif still YUCK.......

Where to start? Tuesday had my appointment at my Neuro's office with Marge the N.P. She initially left it up to me to choose the next step. Well duh it is MY body, MY health, and MY decision. So I explained to her about the headaches that started just as that, and how they have seemed to progress fairly rapidly into migraines. She asked me if I had that problem while on the half doses of 22mcg. Told her as far as I can recall no it didn't I don't think there was even a headache while on half dose. So Marge said that I could either go back on to the Avonex ( hallelujah) or try the 22mcg doses again ( oh man ). I said well as much as I hate and I mean HATE Rebif, I do trust Dr.Garg with my healthcare and she (Dr.Garg) wanted me on the Rebif for a reason so I suppose that is what I will reluctantly continue with. I told her if I get the headaches with that I will quit. She said ok I will see you in 6 weeks and we will see how things are going then. If by then you are still having the problems with the Rebif we will put you back onto the Avonex. She made me promise her that I would go back into this Rebif shit with eyes wide (and mind)open. So I am going to do my best to try that. She also gave a prescription for Relpax and said that should help a lot too. So we shall see. Last night should have been my first 22mcg shot again and I chose (foolish I know) not to do it. I just want to know that if the half dose does give me a headache/migraine that I can safely take something even if not the Relpax. I can not even take tylenol until after my surgery. That kind of sucks but what are you gonna do??

Yesterday at my Primary Care Doc. was just basically an everyday sports type physical. I could not understand why everyone that works there was looking at me funny until Libby that is her name she is not a dr. but a Nurse Practioner told me why. She said oh Amanda you look sooooo good compared to the last time I saw you. I was thinkin what in the hell is she talking about and then asked her almost those exact words. She said the last time we all saw you you couldn't even walk and you looked very sickly. Then it dawned on me the last time that I did see her. It was only April but I was really bad and wheelchair bound at that time. But you have to remember that was also 5 Novantrone treatments ago too. The miracles of Chemotherapy!!!! So that gave me a lil boost that I needed.

Now onto my mental problems. I think maybe that I am going crazy?? I can only describe it as I am on the edge of the cliff and everyday I am being pushed closer and closer to falling off. I am a wreck but trying to hold myself together. So far not doing that great of a job in my mind. But my mind is sooo messed up right now. Why I have not a clue in the world. I do know that yesterday while in the shower I was bawling which has been an hourly occurrence the last few weeks I asked god to please help me get through this to get some of the things that are bothering out of my head one at a time so I can deal with this before I do something that I might not live to regret. What I mean by that is I have been seriously trying to contemplate the easiest way to end it all..the easiest way on ME!!! How selfish is that when I have 4 beautiful children that need me. I am by the way dealing much better today. In my heart of hearts I know it is because of God. So I took the time a lot already today to Thank him for helping me. I also thanked him last night when I felt as though I was starting to break through this.

As far as the things with my husband. I know that he did lie to me about being at work on Monday. Ok well he works with and for my father and I had called my Mom Tuedsay and my lil brother answered the phone (he also works for my father). I said why aren't you at work he said I'm sick. I said so just Dad and Quorry today huh that oughta be fun. He said well it was just me and Dad yesterday because Quorry called in. That pissed me off soooooo bad you don't even know. Not so much because he called in and did not tell me but first when he "got home from work earlier" I said wow you are home early. He said we weren't busy is all. Hello that would have been the perfect chance for him to tell me that he called in wouldn't it have been?? I think so. Not to mention that he got dressed for work I told him have a good day all the things I do every day. He called in before he even walked out the door and didn't even tell me. Yes maybe to some that is kinda of a stupid thing to be as pissed about as I am. We are married and we are supposed to be honest and faithful to and with each other. Well so far let's see I am so honest it disgusts me I tell him everything and I mean EVERYTHING even stuff I know he could give a hist less about. Also I have been 100% faithful to him never even had a thought or want to be intimate or close to another man. Well he betrayed me in the 2 most sacred ways of the marriage bond. He lied to me about work Monday lied to me for 9 months about sleeping with my best friend. So you can see why I get a little messed up in the head when he is stupid like this. I kicked him out of my house for a while when I found pout that he slept with my best friend, and once I let him back our marriage became very strong and a lot more happier. I know you might not understand any of this but it is true. So now with no explanation as to his whereabouts monday from like 8 until 4 I start to get paranoid and all those hurtful feelings I had when he cheated came rushing back to me full force and I guess really messed me up. So for now I'm not sure what to do with this (shamble) of a marriage..if it is a shamble. I'm soooo confused. I do know that I love him more than anything...........

6 Comments:

Blogger personallog! said...

sorry to hear your heads messed up my friend! I have been throught that kak with my ex...and I dont advise a split by any means! Have you thought about the time of year and he might be planning a surprize that your brother might not have known about? Its a possiblity isnt it! I hope you head gets clear soon you do need to have it to hold on your beautiful face! I cant believe you nurses name marg! is she yello and have big blue hair?lol! Smile babe! I am thinking of you allways!
Dave
xxxxx(1 for you and the kids!)

7:38 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Whenever you take a drug that changes your brain chemistry ... things tend to get a bit precarious. The depression multiplier is obvious. As for your relationship: be strong. Let us know if you need a helping hand.

11:03 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Dave I have been trying everyday to get my head fixed. I know that the Rebif is not helping it at all. I opted not to take any more Rebif shots until after my surgery next Tuesday because if it does cause a headache I can not take anything for it.

It could be a big possibility that this time of year he was surprising me as my b-day is in like 2 weeks. Not sure. Probly woulda thought of that if my head was straight.

Thanx for being there for me!!!

2:00 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

Thanx I just thought that with the Rebif the depression would not be bothersome as I was on Avonex which is essentially the same drug. Guess I just over looked the fact that it is 3x the med. that my body is used to.

I am doing my best to be strong about everything. To me the utmost important is to be strong for my kids. NExt is for me to be strong for my marriage...I love my husband too much to push him away and that is exactly what I am doing.

Thanks for offering the helping hand just be careful I might take you(all of you) up on that offer A LOT!!!!

2:17 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Girlie girl! HANG TOUGH! These men are difficult! You know it's tough, and you know you're stong. You WILL get through this!
SHANNON

7:21 PM  
Blogger camille said...

Amanda, i wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this. i feel for you. i just went through some tough times as well its the ms.
i also wanted to say i was getting headaches everyother day while i was on the betaseron. the rebif also did the headach thing. finally i went on the copaxone and had no more headach.i did try to e-mail via your profile for some reason it did not work.when reading this post i felt the saddness and despair and i wish i could help, as i know you will get over this hurdle. i was very depressed last month and when my daughter said and did something thoughtful it made me smile. i hope you will be ok. i do wish you and your family the best...:)
camille

7:35 PM  

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