Monday, January 30, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, January 23, 2006

So so tired....Like normal.....

I hate this not sleeping crap. It just plain sucks. I really for the most part lately have not been too hard a time falling asleep and staying asleep. Last night just really kicked my ass for today's agenda. The worst of today is that my kids don't have school due to some stupid staff development day. What the staff has to develop and idea on how to teach my kids??? They are just being horrible little boys. They are fighting something fierce, Bradley is just being a rotten little 5 year old brat!!!! He has these tremendous temper tantrums that make me want to beat the living shit outta him!!! It is too bad that I don't..LOL

I got my flu shot today. Finally it's about time don't ya think. I feel it was probably pointless considering the flu has already been passed around here. But I read in the influenza paper that is required to be given to you before the shot that the peak of flu season is February. So maybe I did the right thing...

This weekend was definitely long. Friday night we played Poker with my parents and one of Quorry's brothers and his girlfriend. Drew and Jen were the first 2 out..Man do they need to learn the art of playing poker and real soon too as I believe they (Drew and Jen , Quorry's brother and his girlfriend) are coming back to play poker next Friday night. Saturday night we played poker with Quorry's Dad, his uncle Chris, his aunt Stacy, his piece of shit cousin Reon, and again his brother Drew (who by the way played a way better game then he did the night before). Let me tell you a little about his dad's side of the family..They are pretty much all idiotic drunken buffoons!!! His Dad is an exception to that as are his brothers. His Uncle Chris, and cousin Reon were both soooo drunk Saturday night I told them that if they did not calm their shit down they would no longer be welcome in my home. Well as the night progressed Reon got way out of line, he knocked pictures off my wall, would not keep his hands to himself, dumped his tobacco all over my floor (he smokes those cheaper roll your own kinda cigarettes), got my puppy all riled up. He was really pissing me off to day the least it got to the point that I kicked him out of my house at around midnight. I told him he was no longer welcome at my home. The funny thing about me kicking him out at midnight is Quorry's dad who drove everyone here did not leave my house until almost 2. So that fucking inconsiderate asshole had to stay outside in the cold and little bit of snow for 2 hours!!! Ha ha...10 points for the good guys which would be everyone but Reon!!!!

On a more sad, depressing note...Today is probably Quorry's last day of work for awhile as there is not a lot of work to be done at the garage. That saddens and scares the living shit out of me. I have no idea what the hell we are gonna do on the money front. Yeah we do have money saved in the bank but how long will that last us?? Quorry said he is gonna just find another job, a job that is "legal" (on the "books"), a job that will earn him some income tax money back next year, a job that when he gets laid off he will get un-employment. You know that kind of job. Don't get me wrong my Dad definitely has done right by Quorry, as Quorry has done right by my Dad. It all just plainly sucks. There is a garage that is in our town right up the street that he could get hired at at the drop of a dime. So I'm pretty sure that is one of the places he is gonna go and put in his resume. I mean he went to school for this kind of work. He should not have a problem getting a job as a mechanic anywhere. He is actually going to go take the test to get his New York State Inspection license. Once that is all said and done that will raise his chances at getting a mechanics job by like on million percent. I just wish him good luck in his search for a job that he is interested in.......

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I don't like waking like this at all.........

Horrible start to my day to say the least. Andrew on a normal basis gets himself up for school he is almost 12 years old after all. Well this morning that didn't happen. I don't know the reason for this mishap as I made sure last night that his alarm was set. His bus gets here anywhere from 20 to 30 after 6. When I awoke this morning at like 25 after I thought to myself damn Andrew was unusually quiet this morning. I then got up to make sure he was up, I see that the front door wasn't unlocked, but I did see the back porch light was on (which that is where we let the dog out from)and thought well maybe he let the dog out and then went out the back door. Problem with that was the back door was also locked. I then preceded into Andrews bedroom to see him passed out cold and visiting dream land. I then screamed his name to get up get dressed with lightning speed and get his ass outside before he misses the bus. He said that he thinks he has already missed it. The only good thing about the schools transportation service is that I can call whenever and pretty much get answers to my question questions like did he miss the bus already. While I was on the phone with the bus garage asking if he had missed it ...Guess what the bus went right past my house!!!! I asked the lady on the phone it the driver could stop and my son would come out and she didn't even radio the driver. BITCH!!! She told me that I needed my son to meet the driver at the Town Hall. I said that would be wonderful if I had a way to get him there, I told her I thought that was to long a walk for him. I would have drove him down there it is only at the end of my street after all I can handle that much driving. Problem with that is all of a sudden Quorry decides he wants to park the truck in the garage. What the fuck?? At any rate I was getting weather appropriately dressed to drive him down there when Quorry says make sure you don't hit anything backing out of the garage...SCREW YOU..What does he think I forgot how to drive??? So I was like Andrew you have 10 minutes to get to the end of the street do you think that you can handle it?? He said yes and off he went. I wouldn't have been so concerned except for the fact all this week are the NY State ELA (English Language Arts) Exams..They are the utmost important tests and are sooooo hard for him to make them up. Anyway all is well now with the exception that I'm dead tired and not to pleasant to boot.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Do you ever want company and when you get it you regret it??? I did this weekend.......

Quorry's brother Josha nd his girlfriend Erin came to spend the weekend with us. It is a normal thing. Problem being is #1 I was only aware of them being here for Friday night and departing later Saturday like before dinner. Well needless to say they once again were inconsiderate and without asking or notifying Quorry or I spent the night Saturday too. On a normal basis I would not mind but I was just crabby and not feeling the gretest. I guess I always feel used when they come here. I really think that they believe that everything in my refrigerator and/or cupboards is for their dining pleasure. I had bought 3 big things of juice for my kids and my self and Erin drink almost a whole gallon of orange juice and all of my strawberry,orange, banana blended juice. I'm sorry forgive me if I am wrong but that is fucking RUDE!!!! It is a good thing that I had just went shopping for groceries so I did have enough to feed them, but even still why is my responsibility to feed them every other weekend???? Not only did that piss me off but it is very hard for me to clean my house as you know the MS shit and all, but they destroy it. My kids are pretty good at picking up after themselves (better then josh or Erin). My house is 90% of the time almost spotless. I am just one of those people that can not stand a messy house. The reason I had 4 kids is so I have free maids!!!! he he Honestly my kids all have their chores even my 3 year old and usually there are no problems getting them to do them. Come on now why can't Erin age 19, or Josh age 21 fucking clean up after themselves?? As far as I'm concerned they are not technically guests anymore considering they have spent the night here at least 20 times and they know where all the bedding and everything else goes!!! So come on why in the hell can't they take care of it????

*** Time to move on before I flip out as I'm sure you can tell I'm super PISSED off!!!!***

Well good thing....Quorry is picking my AVonex up on his way home from work. I really need to look at their website to remind me of how to mix it. I prefer the powder form over the pre-filled syringes. From what I am told the pre-filled give more of the flu yucky side effects. Which to dat in the almost 5 years that I have had MS I only once got the flu yuck side effects. That was from my 2nd shot of Rebif. I honestly think it is because I did it and instead of going directly to bed I stayed up and played poker. Oh my gosh I was up puking all night and sweating to death. I'm very excited to get back onto the Avonex. I think maybe I will attempt to give myself the shots again. I am still terrified. What if though something god forbid happens to Quorry?? Then I'm screwed..who would do my shots??I know I'm reading this as I'm writing thinking damn am I selfish or what. The only thing I'm concerned about if something happens to my hubby is who will give me my shots??? What a selfish self centered bitch I sound like don't I?? Actually the point I was trying to get across was I need to get past this fear and just do it!!! It makes no sense to me?? I did my own injections every day for 3 years..then did them once a week for almost a year and then BAM FEAR hit me badly too I might add!!!

I'm so bummed that I have to start PT again. I mean I know that I don't have to but I know that is what is best for me. I am praying that doing the Physical Therapy again will help me accomplish my yearly goal. I don't do resolutions..I don't want to set my self up to fail. So in like August after I walked all around Niagara Falls ( which oh my gosh was hard , painful, and I was very excited that I could do it) I said if I can do this I am come hell or high water going to walk on the MS walk this year. You see the first 2 well that didn't happen. First year I walked about a mile give or take a couple hundred yards. Last year which was my second MS walk well let's just say that was one of my wheel chair bound times. I couldn't even walk if I wanted to believe me I tried. My feet did not move!!! My Dad did say that if I wanted to walk he would still push my chair just incase I needed it. That makes me feel a lil more comfy with the whole I'm gonna walk. My family really supports me on this. They know how much it means to me. My Dad has pushed me 5 miles both years (1st year about 4).

Monday, January 16, 2006

I've been tagged!!!!

thanks mdmhvonpa, I love doing these things because honestly I really have nothing better to do!!!!

Four Jobs that I've had:
1. Waitress (first job at 16 years old)
2. Manager of video store
3. Assistant "cook" at a Jewish Camp
4. Assistant manager at one of the local five and dime stores

Four movies I watch over and over again:
1.American History X
2. Wizard of Oz
3.Both Fast and the Furious's (my boys' favorite)
4. Cinderella (daughters favorite)

Four Places I've lived:
1. New York
2. Wyoming
3. Montana
4. South Dakota

Four T.V. shows I watch:
1. American Idol
2. Medium
3. Forensic Files
4. Psychic Detectives

Four Places I've been on vacation:
1. Niagara Falls
2. Yellowstone National Park
3. Memphis (loved Elvis's house)

Four websites I visit daily:
1. all my fellow bloggers
2. Progressive Multiple Sclerosis message board
3. MS Facts
4. Pogo

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. anywhere but here (my kids are fighting big time)
2. anywhere with my husband
3. visting my lil sister in Jamaica
4. visiting my grandparents is S. Dakota
Four bloggers I'm tagging:
1. Dave
2. Jade
3. Brandi
4. I have no idea who else!!! Sorry!!!
Now if only I knew how to properly tag everyone would have an easier time figureing it out!!!! LOL LOL

Friday, January 13, 2006

I could not be happier...ok maybe I could be???

Well a strange title eh?? today was my neuro. appointment and all went terrific!!! I got my Avonex as I was so dearly hoping for, well at least the script for it. I think it will be in at the pharmacy by Wednesday. I have been having a hard time sleeping again (I really think it is worry more than anything else) so the N.P. that I saw today gave me a script for Trazodone. She tells me it is basically the same as my Elavil so to stop taking that before starting this new one. I told her that I only needed something for sleep not a make shift anti-depressant. Although I did like the anti-anxiety effects that the Elavil had on me.

I have been so incredibly "lazy" lately. I suppose a lot of it is the fatigue, the fatigue I'm guessing is generated by my lack of sleep. the N.P. was a little concerned about how and I was explaining my fatigue to be. I said I have kids that is reason enough for fatigue ain't it?? Another concern she and the nurse that dose the weighing had is that I have lost almost 10 pounds since my last visit in November. I said why is that so bad?? 10 lbs in 2 months. They said it is bad due to the fact that I'm not even trying to lost the weight. So who knows what is wrong with me but let me tell you what I am not complaining!!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It finally worked.....4 PAINFUL pokes later.......

Friday after I got back from the dentist (and shopping, and picking my son from school) I called Sheila like was planned to get another stab at this efing meddiport. Well she stabbed me the first time with a needle the length of an Avonex needle which I'll admit had me a little scared. Well again it didn't work....Well it sorta did...what happened is at least this time there was some blood return ( I was soooo relieved!!!) but she was trying so hard to get the heparin to go into it, to no avail. She said that she did get a hold of the surgeon (asshole) again and he told her she was doing correctly but that she needed to use a bigger needle. Same gauge (22) only longer and if need be to force the needle all the way in until she gets the right results. Well his brilliant idea did nothing!!! He said if she could not get it that I needed to come back and see him. I told her she must be crazy if she or he thinks I am going back there and waiting 4 hours to get none o my questions answered!!! Anyway...I told Sheila to stab and stab until we got the right results. So she stabbed me again...and worked..FINALLY!!!! Let me tell you the pain of the last 2 stabs was horrible pretty much worse than child birth and/or a broken bone..Believe me have had 4 childbirths and 2 broken bones. She said that the first time accessing a mediport is always the hardest and that from now on should be a piece of cake!!! Thank God!!!!! So now my mind is rested on this mediport issue.

Friday is my MS specialist appointment. It shall be interesting. I'm going to tell them that I want my Avonex back now!!!!! Not that I really want to be on a shot at all but if I have to be (which I know that I don't) I want Avonex!!!! Quorry has Friday off which is great I won't have to take Kaylee with me this time. She gets soooo bored there but is still so patient and good. She has to get that from her Daddy because I'm far from patient.

My fatigue has been so awful lately. I was in bed pretty much all day Saturday sleeping off and on all day. Same thing for Sunday and Monday. Just no energy no desire to get up and go. Hopefully my fatigue will be nice to me on Friday. The halls that have to be walked to get to my dr's office our unreal. At least we get valet parking which is nice.........

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Tell me why I got this efin medi port.....Please tell me WHY........

Well I'm pretty sure the title says all..all without any details might I add!!! So today was the first day of access to my mediport #1 it needed to be flushed regardless and #2 it was time for more 'roids, any way guess where I got my steroids today??? In my vein in my arm!!! My mediport apparently does not fucking work!!! After all this damn misery and agonizing pain I have been in because of this stupid thing!!!! I was in tears #1 because it just would not work #2 it hurt pretty bad the FIRST time she "stabbed" me to access it (which I think was almost completly the fault of my anxiety and nervousness) and #3 because I was stabbed 3 times today before I got my 'roids, and #4 my mediport could not be flushed!!! That there alone is like an open invitation for an infection. That is terrifying!!!! So Sheila my home healthcare nurse said she was going to call the surgeon who did my medi port to make sure that she was doing in the right spot. Which she was 100% positive she was because like she told me is she was not tin the right place there would be no way that I would not have felt it the 2nd time (which btw I didn't feel it at all) and she has over 20 other mediport patients and she has been a nurse for 20+ years. She definitely knows what the hell she is doing. She even showed me what mediport looked like I can't imagine that I would have taken the "stabbings" as easily as I did is she didn't "hit" me in the right place. So anyway she called the surgeon and he told her almost exactly where the "middle" of it was (which I'm under the understanding that is where it it accessed from) and she argued with him telling him that is where she "stabbed" twice with the funky needle to no avail. At any rate the surgeon is and was a complete asshole to her and absolutely no fucking help to me at all. So she is going to come back tomorrow when I call her to tell her I'm home from the dentist to try try again because like I said previously it HAS to be flushed with heparin to prevent infection. So my confusion has now shifted from the confusion of yesterday about medicines to do I keep this good for nothing mediport in my chest??? Do I make sure that this so called surgeon never operates on another patient???? Well I'm thinking YES to both previous questions. The one about the mediport is yes because hmm let's see do I keep this thing in to make sure that I get a horrible infection? No freaking thank you. The one on making sure that he does not operate on another patient that could be challenging but you know what if this mediport truly doesn't work I will fight until my dying day (which if it doesn't work could be sooner than it would have been without this surgery) to see that he does not work on another patient. So hopefully tomorrow it can at least be flushed. Now on a positive note my veins were very very nice to me today only took one try in the vein department!!!!

You know yesterday I think I cursed myself by saying how well I was walking. Oh my gosh my legs hurt really really bad today from the nerve pain. Last night I had muscle spasms horribly for the first time in a long time. Let me tell ya though since I haven't taken my Zanaflex in a bit it really kicked and helped me sleep sooooo good. I so did not wanna get up to get Bradley up for school today because I was so comfortable cuddled next to my warm honey in out new soft and comfy bedding set that we got for x-mas (we actually got $50 for x-mas from his Dad and bought a nice bed-in-a-bag set) this makes like set #7 or 8 that we have which I love cause I just get in these moods and change whenever I want to whatever I want!!!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Nervous,scared, confused....and oh yeah probably a lil stupid.....

Well am back after a long holiday break. So much has not really happened....Here is the nervous and scared part..tomorrow will be the first time that my mediport will be used. I was supposed to only get it flushed so as to save me from infections...but instead I am getting my steriods. Nervous because this is all so freakin new to me and also the fact that I have to be half naked in order for it to be used. Scared because it is still hurting so incredibly bad and now I'm going to get stabbed in the chest with a needle YUCK and OUCH!!!!! Confused about what the hell is going on with my body. Just promise me that I will not get yelled at for this....I have not taken a Rebif shot since very early November!!! Here's the kicker to all of this Confusion....I'm feelin better than I have in months. I have been able to walk so much better, so much farther, so much longer. It feels so great!!! I know I know..luck?? Right now I'm so confused on what to do. Do I go back on an MS med??? I think I might. I go to the dr. on the 13 th to see how I felt about the hald doses of Rebif. I'm just going to tell them that I want Avonex. It is my body, my decision, and my insurance will pay for the Avonex. So I'm pretty sure that is what I am going to do.......
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