Thursday, February 23, 2006

Why do some of the lil things really stay hard and deep in your mind??????

I am a member of my space. Nice little website. Well yesterday Amy a very "old" good friend from high school emailed me on there. I was so overwhelmed with excitement. I then went to her my space page and saw some of the friends that she had on there. One of which just happened to be my best friend from 6th grade until about 4 years or so ago. When she was 16 (Karla is her name BTW) she was having very big issues with her mother and her mother's boyfriend. Anyway she moved in to my home with my parents siblings my son and myself. It was every girls dream to have her best friend living with her at 16!!! Anyway we stayed talking even after high school was over and college. She had been to my home met my hubby everything. Well the last time she was over (with her boyfriend for the weekend) I loaned them a measly 20 bucks and never really talked to her again. I guess most of it must stems from her maybe feeling guilty for not paying it back. C'mon now 20 fucking dollars over a forever friendship?? Her boyfriend (Andre) was not a good guy at all she had a miscarriage of their baby because he beat her so bad. I just cried and cried all night. I didn't even really sleep much either. I know is probably stupid. Maybe even childish. When do we get friends like that again in life?? Ever?? I have great friends on the net that I think I would die without having them to vent to but you know some times you just need real people. I feel foolish. Again Childish pops into my head A LOT!! I am at a loss at what to do with my life in situations like this sometime but I guess I get over it. Honestly the only person I really feel like have lately is Anna (my mother in law) I can talk to her about anything!!! My mom who has been my best friend forever just seems soooo distant to me. She seems like when I call I am a bother to her. So I just don't call anymore, I don't know about this friend shit anymore?? Oh well such is life I suppose??

You should see me. I am covered on bruises. They didn't show as much yesterday but man did I feel them. I passed out again. Just like last time I felt it coming on so I sat down this time thinking this will pass. Something I passed out onto the floor. Kitchen fucking floor again btw. I have a nice bruise on the bridge of my nose and man does it hurt and I have a ver nasty looking kinda bruise on my arm. It looks like Quorry beat me. My forehead doesn't have a bruise but man does it hurt horribly.
I should have called the dr. today but didn't only because I had sooo much to do around the house. I am going to call tomorrow because this passing out shit has to be coming on for some reason right??

Tomorrow we have to take Kaylee to get her blood taken for her lead test and then we are taking her out to lunch and then shopping. Then we are going to get her hair cut and then going to get new cell phone for Quorry at Radio Shack. Then to Blockbuster for movies. Oh yeah and Bradley has a dr's appt. for his Pink Eye which BTW doesn't look like it ever existed.Thank God for Anna taking him to the dr. then she is gonna take him shopping in the same city that we will be and then we will all meet at Radio Shack and switch kids. I will get Brad & she will take Andrew for the night.

Next Saturday night is my son Gerrott's birthday. He will be 7. His dad is bringing him to me from PA on Thursday or Wednesday. It will be nice we are gonna have a big party for him. Last year the weather was too bad to get him so we just had Andrew and Gerrott's party together. I can't wait......

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Everything feels strange and maybe different lately......

I guess maybe and most likely everything is like this due to the fact that I have to go to bed ALONE. I mean I guess I could stay up until 12:30 but no thank you. I mean I LOVE Quorry and HATE going to bed alone but please remember that I do have children that I have to get up with in the morning. I guess I just have to get used to this, don't really have much of a choice now so I??? I guess that I can't bitch too much as he is home 3 out of the 4 days a week. This week was ok I guess but for some strange reason felt as though we spent NO time together. Obviously Friday was a lil busy as we had to go to dentist. Then my bitchy sister came and spent the night. Let me tell you if seems like I bitch and moan and complain too much well I have NOTHING on her. She comes and I did not want her here wasn't even going to answer the phone the next few times she called but Quorry didn't know her phone number so he did so I had no choice but to talk to her. She said that she needed to stay out here for at least Friday night for some stupid Home and Garden Party. Not my problem I told her but yeah you can stay but you have to bring something to drink for your kids for the weekend as I was not providing as I didn't have enough for all 5 kids for Friday night. I also told her that by the time she got here we would have eaten already so she would have to feed her own kids. Now normally I feed everyone but I hadn't gone grocery shopping in weeks and honestly had nothing to feed children for dinner. Heck we even ordered out for our kids for Friday night. I just get sick and tired of my sister judging me at how she is soooo much better than me and how she does better for her kids and blah blah blah. Now give me your HONEST opinion.....My sister has a roommate because she can't "afford" to get her own place(now mind you her income is about the same as ours), She has no one but her and her 2 kids what I mean by that is she is a single mother of 2 kids both of which have different fathers, oh yeah she is the person who moved into the roommate situation she dose not have the brains I guess enough to do finances. How is that better than me?? I own my own house have a brand new car, no roommates. As far as 2 different kids by 2 different fathers well I have no room to be talking there as I am ashamed to say I have 2 kids that have different fathers. Big difference between my sister and I is that #1 I was 14 when I had my first yeah stupid and foolish I know and Andrews father was 18 I was young and naive. My 2nd Gerrott his father and I were together and he became alcoholic almost overnight or at least that is how I saw it, he hit me once and that was it 1 strike you are out and was not gonna let him be like that to me. Even still stupid reasons but the fact is today I take care of all of my kids even with this bullshit disease.

Yesterday when Bradley awoke him, Kaylee, and I all sat down and ate breakfast. He was saying that he needed a tissue because he had an "eye booger" that was driving him nuts. I got him one and said well you did just get up. We went on with our day. But as the day went on he kept saying mom I got more "eye boogers" and they just won't stop. Then when I looked at him less than 2 hours after breakfast his eye was really red and swollen looking like someone punched him in the eye. As the day progressed he just was looking worse everytime I looked. I called the dr. and got him an appt. for today. He went to the dr. to get the confirmation of what I thought maybe it could be and that was Pink Eye and oh yeah on top of that the poor little boy has an ear infection. I feel sooooo bad for him. He cried both time I gave him his eye drops today. They sting real bad he says. How is this fair for a 5 year old to have to go through all of this?????

Friday, February 17, 2006

Fridays are now Weird to me.....enjoyable but weird.....

I am definitely not used to Quorry's new work schedule but I think that in a weird messed up way that I sort of am. Fridays it is sooo weird that he is home all night. I definitely don't mind at all but it is just totally strange. Today was weird too as 2 of the kids and Quorry had a dentist appointment and it was weird that we did not have to rush to get home. Well we sort of did but not due to him having to be to work but because of the fact that the weather was unreal horrible. The snow wasn't really to bad during daylight hours (it really isn't too bad now either a lot worse than daylight) but the winds were unreal. They said that some of them gusted over 60 mph today and that was horrible you could just feel it getting to your bones and further. They cancelled school today because of that fact. The kids got their teeth cleaned which they definitely needed in my eyes. I am a freak about teeth. It was Kaylee's first dentist appointment and she did superb. Quorry has to go get major oral surgery at the hospital where my MS clinic is. We shall see how that goes eh?

Tomorrow we are going to the "city" not Buffalo but one a little closer and a lil smaller. We are going to this new store called "Mr. Seconds". We are going to see if they carry some of the things that we want and need for the house. We are also going to Ace Hardware as there are a few things there that we know we can get. Tomorrow at Ace they are having this 25% Bag sale where everything you can fit in a nice size paper bag is 25% off. Good deal in my eyes I guess I am no man so could give a shit less.

Finally got in touch with an Avonex training nurse FINALLY I stress. The idiot when she called said " It is nice to talk to you after playing phone tag all week". ???What the hell was that bitch talking about?? That was the first phone call I received all week believe me as today was the only day that I have even left my house, not to mention I have caller id and an answering machine. Anyway she is coming next Friday at 2pm. I hate getting my shot that damn early freaks me out to thing that I AM gonna get side effects..but such is life I guess.........

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

At least something went the right way.....

My day started out pretty good yesterday for the most part. I knew that my new table that we just got was coming , so no surprise when it showed up. It came in the house with no problems (thank freaking God). Also knew that the cable guy was coming to fix my DVR so no surprise when he showed up either. Now here's the thing...My old DVR was sitting on the table in the living room because well it was the old one (only from November) and well it didn't work, the cable guy who was chatty ( seriously the only man I know that could out talk my never ending mouth) failed to pay a damn bit of attention to what he was doing so guess what?? He hooked the old one back up. Well to my surprise it worked no problem and went on with my day. Well after dinner I was in the living room watching Cops with my kids as it is their favorite show (I know I know bad mom..Oh well screw you if you don't like what my kids watch)(my kids were playing BTW!!! Not watching TV) and the DVR did the same shit I called a tech. here to fix...It just decided to shut off and not want to do anything else. This was like 3 hours after the cable guy leaves. So I called the cable company and told them that this was shit and they agreed and said that someone would call me back last night and if not to call first thing this morning. Well of course no one called me back last night so I called first thing this morning,where they tell me that someone would be here next Wednesday to fix it. Ok whatever a freaking week. Seriously though a week with out something I use once in awhile wasn't a big deal aside from he fact that I would still be charged for it. So shortly after I get off the phone with the cable company they call back saying that someone would be here today. Cool I said and thought and was glad that I would not be paying for nothing. Well shortly after that they called AGAIN and told me that someone would be out first thing Monday morning. So I told the lady that I was told Wed., today, and Mon, and she said oh no it will definitely be on Monday. I said ok so will they know not to come on Wednesday?? She said that there was never an order placed for Wed. I said ok whatever have a nice day and continued with my day. Well at like 3:30 the cable company calls again and says that the cable guy was on his way did I still want him to come? Well yeah I still want him to come she says ok as do I and we hang up. Now let me tell you about this cable guy..He was the finest looking cable guy I have EVER seen and he was sweet and gave me a brand new DVR and everything worked out fine.

I have been in Neuralgia hell this week and man is it killing me!!! My legs feel like they are on fire. Been taking my Neurontin faithfully like every 2 hours LOL. I think I took about 2400mg today. Which that is my limit and it helps to take half of the edge off at least. I am 98% sure that my MS wanted me to make sure that I knew it was here thanks a lot thanks to this damn Vertigo. Then I get like almost all the symptoms of a cold except for I am almost sure it is not a cold. So with the 2 combined I'm almost positive that is why my MS gives me a painful reminder call. Like how in the hell was I supposed to freakin forget that I have MS?? I called Avonex to set up for a training nurse to come so I can start taking MS med again. My thing is why should I take a med that will not help me?? Now that is what 6 specialists at my MS clinic say. But since I LOVE to be a pain in the ass I figure why not take it what if they are wrong?? But then I get those days where screw they are right so why put my self through this needle fear phobia hell?? So I decided to let my hubby make the choice as it is too emotionally hard for me to do so. He decided that I will be doing the Avonex shots. Ok fine by me since it is Avonex, not painful AT ALL to me, and added bonus of once a week!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

What the fu*k?????

What the fu*k is going on in this body of mine?? Still feelin dizzy not as bad mind you but still feeling it!!!! I really HATE it!!! I can only sleep on my right side now or else I will have to get out of bed and be sick. Thank god my mediport lets me sleep on my right side now without all of the horrible pain I was feeling.

Thursday night I took a Zanaflex because my legs were having muscle spasms so bad it was unreal. I love that I have not taken a Zanaflex in awhile because it helped me go to sleep even faster than normal. Then at around midnight my son Bradley came into my room asking if I would give him some Tylenol as his ear has been hurting and that is all I am to do for him. So I told him to hang on a sec so I could wake up (let me tell ya them Zanaflex pills really had me OUT!!!) and that I would see him in the kitchen in a minute. So I woke myself up more and walked out to the kitchen and grabbed him the medicine and the measuring cup, poured it, gave it to him. I was feeling a little more dizzy by this time only a different kind of dizzy. I told him that I HAD to go to bed and when he was done in the kitchen to turn out the light. Well that was the last part of that I do remember as the next thing I do remember is feeling like the room was spinning and feeling like I was going to black out or something, and then BOOM I did black out and passed out and hit the floor hard. Oh I was soooo scared. Remember I was home along with 3 kids and had no idea what was going on at that point. The next thing I remember is still sitting on the kitchen floor looking at the clock and seeing that it said 12:21. I was relieved as Quorry gets home usually around 12:30. Well usually being the key word here. I thought that I would never be able to get off of the floor by myself as it is slippery when you are trying to get off the the floor in bare feet a t-shirt and shorts, and not to mention the fact that you are not really all there. Some how I got up enough to get to my wheelchair and get myself to my bedroom and right back to sleep I was. It really is a great thing that I was a little lazy this week and left the wheelchair in the kitchen now isn't it?? I am not sure if I was able to go directly to sleep as soon as I hit the pillow because of the Zanaflex or because I hit my head sooo hard?? I don't know. I should have called the doctor on Friday to tell her of this and to see if that was normal due to the condition I am going through right now, but I did not.

What a pain in the ass I have had today. Saturday we went and got a new entertainment center and Friday we set up a new desk for Andrews computer which is in the living room. So I had 2 new pieces of furniture in my living room. Yesterday I cleaned my house really really good and was happy at how it turned out in the end. So today I knew that our brand new side-by-side refrigerator was to be delivered. So My kitchen was clean like normal. My husband & the delivery guy got the old fridge out with pretty much no problems at all. Then bringing in the new one what a fucking joke!!! First of all I was under the impression that Quorry measured everything that needed to be measured wrong.

#1 safety rails on the side on the back porch had to be taken off (Quorry didn't do it the proper way mind you he completely destroyed the railings)to get the fridge up the back porch

#2 Then Andrews desk had to be moved(dealt w/that ok it didn't ruin anything and didn't leave a mess)

#3 They get into my kitchen and GUESS WHAT?? The damn thing did not fit where the hell it is supposed to.

It did fit height wise but not width wise. What a pain in the ass!!! All of my fridge and freezer stuff was sitting on my table and counters needing to be put away. Quorry could not stay and help as he had to leave for work. Again What a pain in the ass. SO he told the delivery guy (who by the way was going to go get one that would fit without a problem) that he would just do some cutting tomorrow after work and it will fit perfect. Again What a pain in the ass!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Dizzy forever????? God I sure as hell hope not.....

Not sure if that even begins to explain my "happiness" of the last couple of weeks. Still I am geeling dizzy with NO HELP!!! I quit taking these damn "dizzy" pills, oh excuse me these damn "you-will-not-feel-dizzy" anymore pills. My reason for all of this is I feel the same with or without them, so the way I look at it is WHY???? I fthey don't really do anything for me why waste my time?? So yet again like a stupid fool the only meds really that I have been regulary taking is my birth control pills and my 1000mg. of Solumed. IV. No haven't taken my Avonex yet. I have stupid reasons too. First the first weekend I had the meds. and was going to take it well guess what ??That was the 1st weekend I started with this sickness crap so that in itself made me a lil scared considering I wasn't 100% sure that this time(Hello Amanda you have been on Avonex 3 previous times with no freaking side effects at all other than a lil muscle weakness the next day)I would not get any side effects. The other and probably main reason for not taking it is I AM SCARED!!! Of what I'm not quite sure?? I know I am afraid of these stupid needles anymore, I think that all the problems I had from the stupid Rebif did not help those matters at all. I mean before the Rebif when I was on Avonex took it every Saturday night no fear, no problem. I even got to relax all to myself on Sunday and my husband was in complete control. So Now I think I might take Avonex up on there offer to have training nurse come show me how to do it all again. See when I first started Avonex there was no such thing as pre-filled syringes, and the last 2 times that I was on it chose to go with the powder form I guess mainly because I have "heard" and read that the powder form produced less side effects. So again that is what I went with. My husband is a lil nervous himself as he is not wuite sure he honestly remembers exactly where to give the injections(I have always just switched from leg to leg as my arms have been to thin to do the IM shots in) So I think maybe tomorrow I will call the Avonex number and set up training. It would have to be on a Friday night for 2 reasons,#1 Quorry doesn't ahve to work Fridays and #2 If by some weird chance I do have side effects well he will be home with me the whole next 2 days.

Okay Quorry being home on Friday nights....He did get a new job pretty much ASAP. I still don't know exactly what he does perse...I just know I HATE it as he works really weird shift. He does though make very good money now and only works 4 days a week. That I like, What I don't like is I feel like a single mother again like I felt before him and I got together (I was a single mother of 2 kids mind you). I guess I will cope it could be worse right?? He could down right refuse to work and we could be on Welfare???

I got my new wheelchair that was ordered forever ago yesterday. It is definetly soooo much better than my last and it fits my body better. What I am not sure about is I ordered to have the "colored" part be like a deep dark metallic blue mainly because it was the closest thing to black that the manufacturer had. Well let me tell you the "colored" part is not blue it is a pretty purple color but even still it is purple!!!! Not sure I really like that but what are you gonna do? This new wheelchair will come in handy soooo much for me too.

I am gonna start my donations thing for my MS walk probably next week. Bradley's school has more then enough money for all things needed and very many extra things for the year so right now the PTA wants any parent with ideas on what the extra donations should go to to come to the next meeting and be heard. I think maybe I will go and tell them about the NMSS and have the money be donated to that. If they say No well then at least there will be a lot of parents that maybe will start thinking of the effects of this horrible disease and maybe at least think of ways that maybe they could help. Gamble's Country Deli the place that I used to work at told me to bring in my pledge sheet and that he (John the owner) would put it on the counter with an envelope and collect money for me but I had to give him a picture of me to go with it. Not sure if I like that as I hate almost everypic of me but it is soooo worth if for all of us MS'ers. I know twice we are "working" at Friendly's Restaurant and we will get so much of the profits from those night for the MS Walk. It will be the same deal for Pizza Hut. I will start getting more ideas as it gets a little closer. the MS Walk this year will be May 7th. I can not wait that is MY day no kids no husband just my day with my mom, dad, and sister and we go do this and always have a grand time!!!Last year we raised around $3,000. To me that is a lot of money and made me feel very good to do so for myself and others like me.......

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Well that is pretty much all that I can really say. Let's see...Last Wednesday (Jan. 25th) I started feeling dizzy as that is the only way I can describe the feeling that I had. I had no appetite but ate 3 pieces of toast just because all of my docs are worried about how fast I am losing weight. Well about 3 or 4 hours later I made a visit to my local toilet to make a puke deposit. I then was up pretty much all night puking. Finally went to sleep to only wake Thursday morning feeling not the same but WORSE. I then made myself eat a piece of toast just for the main part so I would have something in my stomach to throw up. I was drinking water like it was going outta style, which was not hard as water is my favorite drink. Thursday afternoon I called my PCP to tell her of my problems and that I don't wanna live like this not for one more second!!! She tells me to come in Friday at 2:45(2:45??What the hell is she deaf I am now at the point of wanting to kill myself as it seems as though it would be better then how I was doing). Well Thursday night I got no sleep that I can remember at all as I was up all night just puking out the water that I was force drinking as nothing in the world wanted to go down my throat. Friday when I got to my doctor's office after a very long horrible ride (my husband was driving fine but riding was HORRIBLE!!!) I walked in and puked all over the waiting room floor. Thank God again it was just the water. I was then called back to the doctor's office where I puked again. They weighed me and were very concerned, as since the last time I saw them in November I have lost 15lbs. My doctor then comes into the room examines me from head to toe and says that I do have some fluid build up in my ears and that from what I am telling her and from she sees I have Vertigo. Now I know about Vertigo as this I have had several times but never this bad before. The doctor says it can be caused by many things for me. It can be because of the inner fluid in my ears, the fact that I have MS and it could be caused by a lesion, or could be caused by a virus. Well thanks bitch that is NO freaking help for me now is it??She did prescibe me Meclizine which as of yet has not helped me what so ever..come on now this is for motion sickness!!! I was supposed to call my doc on Tuesday if I was not doing any better so I did. Yes I was doing a lil better still felt like shit though but you know what the dr told me?? She told me it was all in my head!! Yeah you dumb bitch it is all in my head that is where I feel the dizziness!!! It really pissed me off. I am in the process right now of getting switched to the dr. That everyone else sees so maybe he can help me. Maybe I have an ear infection?? Did she ever think of that?? I have and I have been telling everyone..My PCP, my Neurology pple that I see and my visiting nurse. I am just sick of not being heard!!!!
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