Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Never has it hurt so bad that I have cried except for when I broke my ankle..........

I'm talking about the poke that I received today in my medi-port. I had to have the blood drawn for my Novantrone. Also received my steroids today which is why I actually have the energy to sit here and type tonight. Anyway it felt as thought she stabbed me not with a needle but maybe with a huge butcher knife. I actually had tears poring down my mind you I gave natural birth to 4 children with NO pain medication and the only tears I had for that was when I got to hold each of my 4 precious babies for the first time. Like in my title the only time I feel that I have felt pain that agonizing is when I broke every bone in my ankle. I am just praying my hardest that come Monday when I am poked again it won't be as painful. I will be poked again on Monday as that is the day that I get the chemotherapy along with more steroids and the most anticipated Zofran (which is appreciated because it washes the nasty taste of the steroids out of my mouth as it is mixed with "sugar water" vs. the "salt water" that the steroids are mixed with).

I don't think that this week would have been sooo tiring if it wasn't spring break for my kids. Monday I don't think will come fast enough. Can't wait for the boys to be back in school. All I have heard all week is tattle telling and fighting it is driving me absolutely insane. I think I want to go back on anti-depressants based on the week that I have had!!! Maybe even refill my prozac that I quit taking a year ago. It has been that bad. I 'm pretty sure the fact that I have so much other stuff on my mind I guess I just can't handle all this in one week by myself. That pretty much is what I am too. My husband works so much that I truly do feel that I am a single mom and damn it that is just too much for me right now. I'm at such a loss on what to do with my life at this point in time. I know I definitely need to get out with out my kids for more than an hour. Problem there is where do I go?? The other problem is how in the hell do I get there?? Next problem is what do I do with my kids? I know I have some friends (I believe that they are friends) 3 of them live fairly close even but there is the how do I get there...and what do I do just call them up and say well I really need to get out before I hurt someone either being my kids or myself so do you mind if my crazy psychotic ass comes over to your house with you and your kids?? I'm just having one of those weeks I guess. I'm tiredly exhausted but we all know that when I receive these damn steroids I don't sleep usually for at least 2 nights and tonight probably a most definite as Sheila ( my home nurse) let the iv run WAY too fast and I am wired. it was in and ran in 20 minutes when it is supposed to take at least 45minutes to an hour. She was very apologetic but as I explained to her that is how it used to be ran my Dr. just changed it to this new longer run time.


Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Sounds like you need to segregate the kids. LOCKDOWN!

Sorry about the mediport mess ... is there a chance they could apply a topical numbing jell?

I know how you feel about the kid's thing ... you want to escape for just a few hours ... you could just walk away, but you cant.

Hang in there kiddo, life can't stay this difficult for very long.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Jaime said...

I'm sorry about the mediport difficulty and all the pain you are in. You will be in my prayers that come Monday everything goes smooth. :)

I can completely relate regarding the kids, my son just had spring break the other week, and as much as I love him, I was SO ready for him to return to school. He was getting on my very last nerve, and I am sure, like you, a lot of it had to do with everything else going on. Things will calm down once they return to school and you get to feeling a bit better. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Take care of yourself. Jaime

11:00 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

Today thank god they haven't (so far) been as rambuncious and well annoying I guess. They have been playin board games since after breakfast.

The mediport mess has really been making think about gettin this damned thing removed as I would rather 25 blown veins vs. the pain of the access to the medi-port. To top it all off all the blood that was drawn out yesterday was no good for some reason it clotted and so that means tomorrow they are coming abck to draw the blood yet again Looks like Monday for chemo is close to bein out of the question??

I will get through this I always do..thanks for the advice though about segregation...

3:36 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

jaime we love them and I think that because we love them more than anyone else in our lives they drive us the craziest!!!

3:37 PM  
Blogger personallog! said...

Ahh babe I wish I could relate to the things you are going through but the only reference I have is through my parents. My mum(real mum not Camile) is a child minder and it is the reason I havent moved back to their house. I dont get on with kids when I can't play games with them or throw them around the I wish you well and realy hope it gets better by monday!

Love and hugs as always

12:58 PM  
Blogger Mackenzie said...

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7:48 PM  

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