Thursday, April 06, 2006

Stubbornness?? Stupidity??Scared..YES...WHY did I do this to myself can someone please tell me or slap me??????

My gosh do I ever sound like a wine ass these last few posts??? Let me explain the title to this post. Got a call today from Marge, the Nurse Practioner at my MS specialists office making sure that I was still gonna be there for my appointment Monday. I said No because my appt. was cancelled and re-scheduled for Wednesday. So she said okay well I'm looking at your MRI from last Friday and frankly I'm a little worried at how much more progressive your case has become. We need to talk about a new game plan..new meds. to add to the Avonex and the monthly Steroids. I'm thinking " Amanda why in the hell did you have to be so damn stubborn about these freakin injections???" " Amanda maybe , no not maybe if only you would have just taken them you would not have heard them words." "Amanda why??You did this to yourself..Now maybe you will learn your lesson??" It's terrifying..there are no other drugs out there that I have not taken that my dr's office offers ok there is Novantrone..but I want to save that as I only have a few more lifetime doses left of that medicine and it is my savior...Do I really want to use it now?? I'm only 26 Fucking years old!!!! this is soooo not fair!!!! I do apologize for my whining. I 'm just so angry with myself. I have been crying all day until Bradley got home from school as I could not let him see me crying. I could not ruin his birthday. So I gathered my composure and went out to dinner and came home put the kids to bed and continued on with my crying..and that is what I am gonna do cry and attempt to go to sleep

5 Comments:

Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Sorry this is coming down on you so badly. I have to ask you though, if you are not going to take the injections regularly can you please try some homeopathic treatments. PLEASE ... eat blueberries, plumbs and cherries (dried, fresh, whatever) daily. Try to get some GLA (flaxseed, evening primrose) to help repair damage. Eat some liver to keep your iron levels up. Even if this does not work, you are doing SOMETHING. I was lucky enough to not have children when I got my DX. But now, with two little souls depending on me, I am absurdly methodical with trying to keep myself as healthy as possible. Life is not fair. It's hard, brutal, and your lot is disparate from everyone else's. You do have the love of your husband, your family and especially your children. That, if anything, can be enough to keep you going. Lean on us here in the online world if you need to though. Many of us have been where you are now and understand that it's a dark frightening place. This too shall pass.

10:51 AM  
Blogger personallog! said...

Hi Babe, He is right you know listen to the general! We have love for you here too but we all need you in good health. I have my BB back so I will stay in touch.

Love ya
Dave

11:22 AM  
Blogger Jaime said...

I am so sorry! Please do not beat yourself up too much about the choices you made. I know that is easier said than done, but there is nothing you can do to go back and change the choices you made. There was no way for you to have known how you would have responded by taking/not taking the medication. No two people respond the same. It does you no good to beat yourself up and stress about it. All you can do is go on from here. We all know that stress only makes our MS worse, and so PLEASE do not spend too much time on what you did not do and focus more on what you can do now. He is so right! Your family is there for you. We are all here for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything at all that I can do, please do not hesitate to let me know. I may not be there, but I would be happy to do what I can. Even if you just need to talk. Please get to feeling better soon. Take care. Jaime

8:57 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

I want to thank ALL of you from the very bottom of my heart. I know that I can turn to any of you whenever I need to. I know that you are the only ones that can truly understand how I really do feel.

I'm going to resume with my Avonex as I have been taking it for a few weeks not and will definetly continue. I will be seeing the dr. on Wednesday and will let everyone know what happens and what is going to be added to my drug regime.

Again Thanks guys and girl for offering to be there you don't know how much that means to me!!!

10:11 PM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Don't mention it, your always welcome. :)

9:03 AM  

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