Thursday, May 25, 2006

Don't want to seem like a whinny quitter of a bitch .....but guess what I am right now...

I really feel that way now!!!! Yesterday I guess started it all I guess you could say brought it all out. First of all I'm in another relapse and I just got over my previous one. So I thought maybe I was wrong (I guess more hoping than anything) Sheila (my nurse) was here to flush my medi-port and asked me how I was doing told her that my vision is way worse and she pointed out just from the few words I had said to her that my speech is very bad again. She checked me (the normal Neuro. examine) and said just from last week when she came to redo the paper work with my that my right side is 70% (or so) weaker than last week. I pretty much knew that so I was dealing with all of that fine. Then she asked me if I was in an MS support group and I said no because the closest one was in Ellicottville and she said well that isn't very far away I said no it isn't really but to me a person that most of the time can not drive it might as well be a hundred miles. I told her that I get a lot of online support she said that she thinks maybe I should see somene because in her words ..."Amanda you need to make it more about yourself once in awhile..you need to learn how to be more focused on AMANDA!!!! If you can not do that then what good are you for YOU??" I lost it I just started bawling and aside from a lil bit today have been crying since. Then more and more those horrible thoughts of how do I just quit come rushing back to me. That scares the living shit out of me....the fact that when I do sleep I dream about the best easiest least noticeable way to end it all. I hate that I feel like I don't have enough good in my life to want to continue. I know that I do but why can't I see that at these times in my life?? I'm not gonna take her up on her offer to get conseling because last time I did it only made me worse. As far as antidepressants go I have maxed out soooo many of them as I have been on sooo many for sooo long. I know that something has to change. I know I need to talk to someone I should proably start with my husband he is go great with me when I get like this. I just don't wanna scare him because I'm terrified to say the least. I used to be able to talk to my mom at my rough times like this and she would calm me down enough to talk to Quorry about my trying times like this. Lately though it seems as though I'm nothing but a bother to her and I know it's not just me in that aspect my sister says she feels the same way with my mom lately....So I guess I just feel all alone and that is scary at a place in your life like this to say the least. I also know that my kids need me...yet I feel as though they are more of an adult than me right now. I feel bad because I've been crying soooo much in front of them which I know scares the hell out of them Brad and Kay come up to me and hug me and ask me if I'm ok. What in the hell kind of parenting skills are those??

3 Comments:

Blogger Jaime said...

Amanda~
I am so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. I wish there were something that I could do to help. I am always here to listen if you want to talk!

If you wanted to attend a support group maybe that is something you and your husband could do together? It sounds as if you have a good support system in him.

I know that counseling is not an easy thing to do, often times depression will get worse with counseling before it will get better. It tends to bring up a lot of emotions we never realized we have...it takes time and can be beneficial, but its not for everyone.

Call your neurologist because depression is such a big part of MS he/she should be notified. Especially with you back on your meds. Interferons only make the depression worse (major side-effect).

I am sorry you are going through all of this. I wish you the best! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. I hope you get better real soon.

Jaime

5:14 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Okay ... tough time. You need to get into therapy or follow the nurse's suggesting of getting to those support group meetings. Talk to the organizer and see if there is someone in the area that you can car-pool with. Seriously, that is what these groups are for. You cannot and should not try to carry this load alone. Noble Failure is not going to help anyone, yourself included. You are worth saving.

8:58 AM  
Blogger personallog! said...

You heard the general! We need you here on this planet babe...I have a pressie for you here. Take alook at this:

www.pandora.com

Its free and you dont have to pay any hidden fee's. It saved me. Music therapy is the key! Well it worked for me!hehe!

Take care babe! Love and hugs always
Dave

10:20 AM  

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