Thursday, June 29, 2006

sorry to be coming back all depressing....

Well the title says it all I suppose. Since my last post well things have been going downhill at a super fast speed. I now have been unable to walk for awhile which is scary as all hell and not to mention painful. See no one understands it hurts just as bad (on my legs) to be sitting all day as it does to be walking or standing on them. It's soooo hard doing this all alone too. My mom took a leave of absence from work 2 weeks ago to come help me and I have not seen her at all except last saturday which was my son's 12th b-day. Quorry works all these fucked up hours which to me feels as though I am a single mother. I HATE it, it is soooo hard I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of all these people saying I will come help you..well fuck them because I would rather them say nothing at all then to make these false promises or give me false hopes to see no help from anyone. Now I feel as though I sound like I'm a self-centered bitch.....well maybe I am. Who knows??? I just thought that family was supposed to be there for you..not use you as an excuse for everything under the sun..."oh sorry I can't because Amanda is sick" screw that if people are gonna use me damn it come help me because god knows I need the help. As of late the only person who has helped me is my father-in-law. He has taken the 3 boys whenever he can which helps sooooo much. I guess to me that is so hard to see that with the family I have I can only count on him. Thank God I can count on him at least. I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I try something stupid. I don't think I can handle much more of this honestly. K moving on before I go even more crazy than I already am.

Andrew's 12th b-day was saturday. I can not believe that he is 12. Where did all that time go?? He is in Virginia with my FIL right now and will be back I believe on Fri. or Sat. He will be so happy because I got his computer camp application in soon enough and I got the acceptance letter today. Speaking of letters like that I got Kaylee's today and she is accepted to go to school next year. OMG how am I gonna deal with my precious 3 year old being in school??? I guess it will be easier on me yet harder. Easier because no children to have to take care of all day...harder because of no children to have to take care of all day. Make sense???

Oh almost forgot almost the most depressing part of me not being able to do much for myself...I am unable to go to the Kelly Clarkson concert. That just breaks my heart too. I was finally looking foward to something that I didn't think (this damn MS) could take away from me. Boy oh boy was I wrong so I gave my ticket to my sister's best friend so I hope that they have a good time.......

3 Comments:

Blogger Jaime said...

Amanda,
I am so sorry to hear that you won't be able to attend the concert! Isn't there a way you could go (maybe in a wheelchair or something?) so that you wouldn't have to give up your tickets?

I am glad that your FIL has been able to help you. Have you checked to see if you qualify for any kind of assistance through the MS Society or your insurance company? Some times there are programs out there to help provide some assistance...even some social work programs help to get kids in programs during the day (summer programs, etc) so that they have things to do while you go through treatments, etc. I am not sure what is available in your area, but I know that has helped my son to deal with my MS (at least it is starting to help). :)

I hope that things start to get better for you really soon. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers! I wish there were something I could do. If you ever need to talk....please email me, whatever you need, I am here! Please take care!

Jaime

1:58 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Kiddo, you are certainly breaking my heart here. I hope you don't have any flooding problems too.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

ok, that hurt, sorry I have not been around to help much. wish there was more I could do for you

11:34 PM  

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