Wednesday, September 06, 2006

had to make a VERY tough decision.....

not that I wanted to have to make the hardest decision in my ENTIRE life...but I HAD to for my own benefit. I decided to go for the Tysabri. I guess what (strangely enough) made me chose this path was because I have 4 kids I can't be in the hospital for 8 days every month. Foolish maybe but really I had to make this decision with no other "help". It has been very very very hard to do. In all honesty I'm not even sure if this is what I want to do...not sure if I want to do either of my options. I do trust my dr's and know if they say I need something well then I do.....it's not too hard for me or anyone else (my 3 yr. old included ) to notice that my MS gets worse everyday. I just don't know anymore what to do about anything, I know that my depression gets deeper and stronger every day and sometimes I think if suicide wasn't the most selfish fucking act I think that would be the choice I would make. I do have 4 kids that need me wheelchair or not, both legs working or not my vision bad or good, my hands working or not THEY NEED THEIR MOMMY!!!!

9 Comments:

Blogger personallog! said...

Aww babe, I wish I could take this away from you! I really do. You have my thought and prayers and a shoulder to cry on from afar. There are so many people who are in the same possition but I know it hurts more when its you. I love you babe and please talk to the people around you who are there to listen. 4 kids is a massive achievement and they love you so so much. Stay with us a bit longer and fight for your kids.

Be well
Dave

9:02 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

thanx dave god knows i need as much support as possible even if it comes from miles away!!

Just want to apologize for the pity party.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Amanda, please don't be afraid of Tysabri...I had one infusion of Ty in early '05, and I'm waiting to start it again..it is THE best MS therapy out there. The risk of PML is small compared to what our MS is doing to us without Tysabri! See my Blog links: http://lauren-livingwithms-aolcomlglbgl2003.blogspot.com/ for more info on Tysabri, including a published legal article on Ty, as well as testifying at the FDA AC hearing in March 06 in an effort to bring Ty back for us.
I believe you will be just fine, and I'm sending many prayers and well wishes your way...be blessed, Lauren

9:51 PM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Odd how much strength and will we harvest from having the helpless depend on us.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Jaime said...

Amanda,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. What a difficult thing it is to make these decisions. Please know that there are a lot of people who support you, love you and care about you...friends, family, and all of us here in the online world.

I know the depression of it can get really bad and at times it may seem like it would be easier to just give up, but you are a great mom and you are right...they need you. I think you are brave and a wonderful person.

Keep your chin up and know that if you ever need to talk (I have a mic) or a shoulder to cry on, I am here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please get better real soon.

Jaime

9:54 PM  
Blogger JohnDMS said...

Amanda, you should check out the website www.mspatientsforchoice.org for a lot of good information on Tysabri.

4:46 PM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

POKE***

10:36 PM  
Blogger Jaime said...

Hey you!
It's been awhile. I hope you are doing okay. Take care of yourself. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. :)

Jaime

3:00 PM  
Blogger Vivian said...

Amanda,
Where are you? We are worried about you. Please let us know how you are and if there is anything we can do.
Vivian

10:34 PM  

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